Expert: Meg - 7/1/2004

Question
Hi Meg,
I'm about 3 months into recovery.  I did the first 5 weeks at an in-patient treatment facility, and have been out for about 7 weeks.  I have not gained any more weight since I left treatment, and still am probably "too low".  I'm working with a nutritionist and therapist, so I'm in good hands... but I've just been struggling lately and wanted some insight and advice from someone who has been through this.  I struggle to eat over about 1200 or 1300 calories a day... and when I consistently cut back on my calories I feel miserable... like I did before when I was really bad.  Yet I still feel SO guilty letting myself eat b/c I AM hungry and I DO enjoy it -- that's the hardest part!  It's scary and I feel guilty to admit that.  And I have a very hard time adding in new foods to my diet - esp foods like pasta or restaurant prepared dishes that I can't "control" what goes into.  I'm torn between wanting to be free to eat normally and have fun, but I guess I'm scared I will gain a lot of weight?  I actually don't know what I'm so scared of, but I just feel stuck - not "anorexic" anymore but definiely not "recovered".  

Any advice or insight into the recovery process?
Thank you!

Answer
Hi Elisabeth-

I'm so glad that you wrote as I remember so well that precarious "in between phase" and how difficult it was yet also how it almost felt like coming back to life after being asleep for quite some time.  

First off, I give you lots of credit for working so hard thus far and going through a treatment program and doing the follow up stuff too.  That takes a lot of strength-and you have it and I hope that in the midst of all of this, you can feel really proud about that.  

You mentioned that you are feeling guilty about enjoying food (this was a huge thing for me as well...).  This is definitely something to bring up with your therapist and nutritionist-but I also can tell you from my experience that it does get easier.  For me, learning more about nutrition and the role that nutrients, protein, fats, carbs, etc play in helping the body to operate (similar to how gas keeps a car running) was helpful in that I could begin to see food not only as calories but as something that will help me have energy and the health that I need to do the things that are important to me.  Maybe try looking at it this way.

Also, I found that not putting as much focus on simply truding through my meals(and by that, I don't mean not following whatever plan your nutritionist works out with you)-but on having supportive people with you for your meals so that you can fill the mealtime not only with food but also conversation, lauging, etc..to be helpful.  

I know the guilt all to well and I promise it will get easier.  AND, all people need to eat in order to survive (and I know that is not part of your former anorexic thinking-but as you get healthier you can remind yourself of this)...And, if eating is a part of life, then there is nothing wrong with enjoying your food-just as you can enjoy friendship, school, work, activities, etc.  Life is about that...so its great (though scary) that you are able to enjoy food even a little.  Keep going forward-even if its scary...as it is SO worth it.

Adding foods was hard for me as well, and I think this is also common in recovery.  Again, of course work with your nutritionist and go slowly when doing this.  Maybe try a few new things a week so that you don't feel totally out of control.  I feel that recovery is a process and as long as you are moving forward, its okay to do it at a moderate pace.  

Ditto with dealing with restaurants.  I started out going every once in awhile with people (like my Mom or best friend) who were in the know and would be understanding if I had a hard time.  And, I choose restaurants at first that I felt semi-comfortable with and then as time went on, began to loosen up a bit and let my companions choose.  Again, this one just takes time...but as with everything else, it gets easier.

As for your fear of gaining a lot of weight, it is very unlikely that this will happen-though of course I can understand your fear.  This is another common one, I think but I can promise you that while your body may need to restore itself to a place where it is healthy (depending on where you were) you are not going to gain A LOT of weight.  And, as cliche as this sounds (yes, I remember people telling me this and thinking...yeah right), you are regaining your HEALTH more than weight.  Really...keep on keeping on.

Finally, I again want to say that you are doing a fantastic job and I wish you so much happiness as you continue to work on recovering.  The great news is that the eating disorder, which took up so much of your time, energy and happiness is on the way out and as you beat this, you will have time for the fun and beautiful things in life.  Start taking the time now to remember what you love, what makes you happy, what you'd like to do...Keep working on getting healthy and keep creating a life that you love!  You can do it-and you're on your way.

Take good care and let me know if there is anything else I can do!

Best,
Meg

P.S. If you're not already familiar with the www.something-fishy.org website, there is a great recovery forum there