Anxiety Disorders/Can I be having anxiety disorder?
QUESTION: I am disturbed. When I am hurt I keep it to myself and as it accumulates it starts to lower my confidence and self esteem. When I am speaking to people, I often loose words to say and say something that sounds weird (for e.g. instead of saying 'close the lid' I say 'turn off the lid'). I have trouble trusting myself as I keep asking other people if I am correct and also I get very anxious while in even the most normal situations. I am frustrated with life and disturbed and have contemplated suicide. I care and worry about everything so much that it affects me physically and makes me mentally ill. Sometimes I just panic. Everyone suggests that I should bring up the non caring attitude towards things that I don't like, but I don't seem to be able to do that. Sometimes my mums criticism of me goes to far and it hurts me.
ANSWER: Hi Rajdeep,
You have more than just anxiety, as that is just the tip of the iceberg. The problem is that you have been imprinted and programmed to put other people, including their feelings ahead of yours and when you do that, what you are giving yourself is hatred. When you do that, what is being reflected to you in your outer world reality is yourself hatred and non acceptance. Your intuition, feelings and emotions are just as valid a part of you as is your Body and Mind. Whenever you have feelings and emotions that you do not express, you reject and deny them. When you reject and deny a part of yourself, you are not loving that part of you but hating it. So then what you feel is these lost and unloved parts of you that you rejected.
We have been brainwashed to believe that being nice, kind, caring, understanding, co-operative, etc to others is being loving. While there is a part truth in that statement, what is not being said is that in order to do that, you need to do all that for yourself first. If you feel that another person is not telling the truth or is trying to control and manipulate you, you need to express what you feel. They may deny what you are saying and may even reject you but what is important is that you are not rejecting your Will (intuition, feelings and emotions). When you have doubt, give yourself the benefit of the doubt and ask questions until there is no doubt. When you really think about it, do you really want to be around people and call them friends that want to control you and tell you lies?
There is no quick fix to healing what has been done, but it can be done. If you are interested in learning how to heal and empower yourself, you can download my free eBooks from my website at http://shenreed.com/index.html
where I share the Meditation tools I use, as well as insights and three healings Iíve experienced. I also share my personal healing journey and the trials and tribulations I went through to heal the parts of me that I was denying and hating. If you need more information, you know where you can reach me.
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QUESTION: Hello Reed,
Thank you for the response but are you saying that I am actually putting my feelings and emotions aside and trying to empathize for other and that is somehow causing hatred. I am a little confused. Also, should I consult a psychology?
One of the reasons I probably ignore my feelings is because of my mother who critizes my performance in school, ability to socially interact with people and my behavior, which downgrades my self-esteem an confidence. I feel like all my life I have been told what to do. My parents expectations of me. I have always felt insecure in life. The expectations my parents have for me which I have carried like a burden all my life. SO I PUSH myself too hard and ignore what's inside me. My mum sometimes says all she wants me is too study hard and my own behavior. Sometimes I try so hard it just increases my anxiety. If I do, what do I do?
You asked >>> are you saying that I am actually putting my feelings and emotions aside and trying to empathize for other and that is somehow causing hatred? <<<
The answer is YesÖ and who you are hating are the parts of you that you set asideÖ Hate may sound like a strong word but nonetheless, itís unlovingÖ
Previously stated >>> Your intuition, feelings and emotions are just as valid a part of you as is your Body and Mind. Whenever you have feelings and emotions that you do not express, you reject and deny them. When you reject and deny a part of yourself, you are not loving that part of you but hating it.<<<
Iím going to try to put that in another frame of reference so that you can understand what you are doing to yourself. Say you broke your leg and letís say that you went to the doctor and got a cast put on it and he told you to stay off it for a few days and then to use crutches and to be careful and take it easy. Your leg is still hurting you, but your friends had previously invited you to a pool party and you were really looking forward to it, so you decide to go. Your doctor had told you to use crutches, but you thought it wouldnít be cool so you leave them at home and walk on your cast. You have a good time at the pool party and letís say that you didnít slip or fall, but you did get your cast wet and being weakened, it also affected your leg as you were walking on it. When you got home, you were in agony and had to go to the hospital to have your broken leg reset, and a new cast put on your leg.
So now we get to the self love issue. A part of you, your Mind, did what it wanted to do without considering what its actions would do to your Body. It had a good time that it called self-love (while it lasted) and then it couldnít abuse your Body anymore as your body was in pain that your Mind is now feeling and it doesnít like it. It didnít like that your leg was broken and that it couldnít do what it wanted to do. It didnít like the idea that you needed to walk on crutches and so it decided not to use them. What the Mind doesnít like is a Body that doesnít do what the Mind wants it to do. In other words, it hates the Body when the Body lets it down and doesnít live up to its expectations.
In the same way, your Mind doesnít want to feel what your Will (Intuition feelings and emotions) are feeling and telling it. It decides that it knows best and will do what it can to be nice to others even when your Will is telling your Mind that they are not nice and that they are going to hurt you. The Mind denies this input and sure enough, later it realizes that it did the wrong thing, and that it should have listened to its Will. But does the Mind learn from this? The answer is no, as the next time it will be a different situation and it will think that it is in control and that things will be OK, which is not what will happen.
So while a part of you is loving yourself, it is in a selfish way as it does so by denying the other parts an equal say in the experience. Choosing one part of yourself over another is being unloving, and when you really look at it, unlovingness is cold heartless hatred. I know that itís not a pretty thing to look at, but I hope that puts it into perspective.