Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 10/14/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello,

   My name is Lorena And I've been dating a Muslim guy for over a year now. We had a good relationship and we both agreed in the beginning that our religion difference would not be a problem, I have gotten into many arguements with my parents and older sibling about it but I basically let them know that I wasn't going to let him go. I have a 8yr old boy from a previous marriage that ended over 3 yrs ago, his father is in and out of jail and has a good relationship with his son but also has a child with another women now. He never minded and we've been on family vacations together w/my parents to Disneyland, he made plans for the future w/my son and me. He has met my whole family but I've only met one of his brothers and two of his cousins, I am Hispanic and a Christian by the way... I hadn't dated much after my marriage, he is the first man I've given myself to after my divorce but about two months ago we broke up he attended a wedding in California and we had broken up because I wanted to get serious with him basically move in together and he wasn't ready for it and I was upset because we partically already lived together cause we was always at my house and he spent the night w/me every other night for the two weeks he was there we hadnt talked till about three days before he returned and when he returned he confessed that his parents had gotten him engaged. He said that he was confronted by his whole family who advised him that he would be sinning, how would he deal with my son seeing his father and being around and that his father who is in his late 60s wanted to see him married to a Muslim girl and that they would die if he married me.. I asked him to get out of it he said he would, I only gave him a day and when he told me that it wasnt that easy and that he was confused I left him... We were separated for over a month and he has had his engagement party already, he seeked me out and let me know that he loves me and only me and that he will get out of it if I take him back but it would take him some time but if I didn't then he would just go through with it... I love him but I dont want to get hurt.. Ive already agreed to convert for him but what else can I do for his parents approval or what should I know now before I agree? please help





ANSWER: Greetings Lorena, and thanks for your question.  This is a very difficult situation, and I hope that I can be of help.

Yes, breaking an engagement would be a very time-consuming, difficult thing to do.  I have heard of several stories of families coming after adult children and pressing them into engagements with women that are of their same traditions.

It is possible that this could work out if you take him back, but it will be a long road without certainties.  There will be a risk.  There is no need in Islam for a woman to convert, and his family should know that. You may get hurt again, on the other hand, perhaps it may be worth it to try. Ultimately, this decision has to be made by you.  

Good luck to you, and I hope this might help!  Please let me know if you have other questions I can help with.

peace,

Le Anne

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Sorry to bother U again but what has to be done to end his engagement?

Answer
Greetings Lorena, and thanks for your note.  Unfortunately, I don't know much about this process.  The families will have to work this out, and there will be a loss of face for the groom's family.  They may have to make a financial arrangement to satisfy the bride's family.  It will probably be a long and difficult set of negotiations.  My best of luck to you; I know this time will not be easy for you.

peace,

Le Anne