Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 12/9/2008

Question
Hello,  I am hoping that you might be able to help me to better understand my relationship with my Arabic boyfriend.

My situation is this:  I am a Christian American woman, who met and fell inlove with a Christian Jordanian man.  We have been seeing each other for approximately five months.  Over the course of this relationship, I have spent a lot of time going out with him and getting to know a few of his cousins and his brother.  I have developed a great friendship with one of his cousins who is also his best friend.  However, I am trying to understand why our relationship must be kept a secret from his parents?  My situation gets a little more difficult, as I am preparing for his departure to serve out a sentence in jail for a minor offense.  I found out within the last few days that he has told his mother about me...or rather that I am his friend, and we spend time a lot of time together.  I've asked his cousin to help me to understand where this relationship may go, and he has explained that because I am not Arabic, my boyfriend will never marry me.  I've breifly touched on this topic with my boyfriend, but I don't want to push the issue.  This past weekend, he told me that he thinks that we should break up while he is in jail, because he feels it isn't fair for him to ask me to wait for him, when we have no future together, yet he wants to be able to call me, and wants me to come visit him as often as I can.  He told me that if I meet someone and decide to move on while he is in jail that he will understand, but it will devastate him.  He is 31 years old, and has never been married.  I am 24 years old.  I tried to explain to him that I plan on waiting for him because I want to be with only him. I love him with all of my heart and soul, and believe that we are meant to be.  I have never felt so strongly about another person before, and I believe that he loves me.  I just don't understand why he feels that we could not have a future together.  I've tried to research information about his culture on the internet, but there is very little information about Christian Arabs.   I know that his cousin, who I have become such good friends with, married an American woman, which ended in divorce ten months later.  This cousin has since been engaged to an Arabic woman and a member of his extended family, but has had to call off his plans for marriage because his immediate family does not approve of her.  Could this be one of the reasons my boyfriend does not feel that he and I have a future together?  That his parents would not approve of me?

Any information or advice you could share would be greatly appreciated.

I thank you so much in advance for taking time to respond.


Answer
Greetings Cris, and thanks for your question.  Hmm...this does seem to be a rather complex situation.  Yes, some families will exert an enormous amount of pressure on who their children will marry, even in these days.  The cousin's divorce could certainly be reason for them to avoid another foreign spouse arrangement.  And it is true that for many guys in such family arrangements, they will date (for extended times, even) women that they know they will never marry.

It sounds like your guy is recognizing the difficult logistics of pursuing a relationship with you given his life realities, and yet is still quite emotionally attached.  If he were to decide he wanted to move forward in a relationship with you, it would take a lot of work on his part to convince his family and help you learn as much as possible about the culture and get to know his family.  This part isn't impossible, but it takes a lot of work on his part as well as yours.  If he really doesn't think it would be successful, he probably will not put that kind of time into making this work.

I think it makes sense for you to continue to be friends with this guy, but also to keep your options open.  It doesn't hurt to simply decide for yourself not to date anyone while he's away, since you feel very strongly that he's the one for you; but, if he returns from jail and still stalls on this relationship, that would be the time to move on.  Jail has a way of helping people make major life decisions--such as whether to end or solidify relationships.

Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!

peace,

Le Anne