Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 12/15/2008

Question
Hey there! Im truly at a loss right now. My boyfriend and I really care for each
other and love being together but lately he's been extremely stressed out
over a very large issue; I'm not Lebanese. He lives here in Canada and came
here from Lebanon for school, he's been here 7 years. His parents are back
home in Lebanon. He knows his family won't approve and when he told his
mother over the phone about me stated her disapproval by simply saying
"don't get too attached". We're both Catholic. He's 24 and I'm 21. I don't see
the problem. This world is so small and I only believe there is one superior
race; the human race. Is there any hope of getting around this? I'm willing to
do anything because I hate seeing him like this.

Answer
Greetings Katrina, and thanks for your question.  This is a situation faced by a lot of young couples, that their parents want their children to marry someone of the exact same background as their own.  Often they believe that this is the only path to a successful relationship.  And, just a few years ago, it was unlikely that most children would ever meet someone of a different background and have the chance to fall in love anyway--so this rapidly changing world takes some time for parents to get used to!

Your guy's parents may also be worried that you will not have respect for or carry on their families' traditions--after all, it's usually the mothers/wives in every culture that celebrate and pass on the heritage, through holidays, food, remembering family history, etc.  You can do a lot to help your potential in-laws calm down and feel better if you learn as much as you can about Lebanese culture, history, food, and language.  Your guy should do as much as he can to help you--and it's good if he's learning as much as possible about your background as well.

A face to face meeting with them may also help break the ice.  If possible, look for a time when you can visit them together, for a holiday or part of summer break.  Lebanese usually are very open to foreigners, so it's likely that if your guy introduces you to lots of family members and friends, someone's going to really like you and telly his parents as much.  Be ready to be on your best diplomatic behavior on this trip, perhaps with a few words of Arabic ready, and it will go a long way.  

More than likely, he already has family members who have married Westerners.  It might be good for him to solicit their help in influencing his parents.  Or, if those marriages aren't going well, you'll know why they're so adamant.

A letter from your parents introducing themselves, photos, etc., can also help.  In the end, parents just want to know that their child is marrying a good person; this always ends up mattering most.

In all of this, I can't emphasize enough that your guy has to be up to the challenge of 'fighting' for you.  He has to be willing to be firm yet loving with his parents; because you can't win their hearts if he's half-hearted about the situation.  So do get this worked out early on, so your efforts aren't in vain.  And if he's not up to it, it will be hard, but you'll need to move on.  Be clear about this too.

Finally, if he is willing to do his part and you both are supporting each other, and even decide to marry despite his parents' wishes, it's amazing what grandchildren will do to soften up even the hardliners.  Patience and graciousness-always being willing to let them in--are essential.

Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!

peace,

Le Anne