Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 12/3/2008

Question
I have 2 questions and  would love some objective input please....

I'm in the US, and I am not Muslim or Arab, my Syrian Muslim husband is leaving the country without much notice to care for elderly parents (there are siblings there already) but I know he leaves because he has become disillusioned with his progress here. He also misses his past lifestyle there living in a seaside town. He wants to stay there for years. We have been together 15 years and its been rocky form the start. He has not been entirely sincere with me before a few times and has been neglectful and unkind lots of times with passive inconsiderate ways and neglect. I made him legal here by taking a chance that he was sincere when he said he loved me in the past. I told him I can never deal with abandonment before marriage as I have experienced that before. This is hurting me deeply , he is my only family other than my son. Is it common for Muslim men to be so insensitive and dismissive towards women and their needs or is it because I am a non Arab that he could care less about my feelings?

He went to work overseas for a few months before,he tricked me to saying he would be away 3  weeks. 3 weeks turned into to a few months. He never wanted to do the things we discussed before marriage like buying a house together. He did not let me handle his money ever and leaves me with nothing as he leaves. He is kind to other Muslims quickly.  He has hurt me very deeply with this and dismissive ways in the past. I have told him he seems not to care and gets annoyed. Presently says if I continue the topic he will find a way to leave quicker as I stress him. I have a son in college here, his step son, and can not leave to follow him. He has also failed to get close to my son in all these years.  I did tell him to spend some time with parents before the God forbid pass as I lost my dad recently. I meant for him to bring them here. He recently spent two months there and just came back and wants to leave now within a month.  I love him , but am I wrong to to be so upset and contemplating divorce when he is abandoning me and does not care the fear and sadness he brings to my heart with his decision to leave?  

Thanks

Answer
Greetings Reina, and thanks for your question.  Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult and painful situation.  

I don't think it's an Arab or Muslim thing, although he seems to be drawing on his cultural family obligations as a partial excuse; I think it's a him thing--he is doing this himself.

He wants to leave for years, and he's leaving you without money, and he's been acting the way you say he has?  I know that this could be hard for you to hear, but I think you'll want to get a good divorce attorney ASAP.  

You don't have to be bitter about it, but if he's leaving long term, the marriage is over, and you need to be free in order to heal and go on with your life.

If it helps, think of taking such a step--filing for divorce--as your asserting your right not to be abandoned.  Instead, you are making decisions for your life, and not letting the circumstances control you.

You deserve to be treated with honesty and respect, and your son deserves to have the same.  Your instincts are good.  Trust them.  

Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!

peace,

Le Anne