Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 12/4/2008

Question
Hi le Anne. I have been going out with an asian girl for the past few months
and things are getting serious between us. Unfortunatley because my parents
are strict we have had to sneak around all the time. They do not know I have
a girlfriend and I have no idea how to tell them about her. I feel like if I do
then it will be taken the total wrong way and just cause major family
problems for me. She does not seem to understand this as she has strict
parents too but she talked to them about me and they seem to accept it. not necessarily approve of it but they accept that she has a boyfriend.

If anything I am  looking for a way to approach them and just let it be okay
for her to be in the house. My mom has no problem with allowing me to
marry anyone i choose and has made it clear that she will not get involved
with who i marry. But i am 19 and I am not looking to get married yet. I just
want to be in a relationship with this amazing girl without sneaking around. It
seems like my moms views are that I should have no involvement with girls
till I am looking to get married. This relationship has lots of potential and I
can honestly say I am in love with this girl. sorry if my question is a bit
confusing but I just need to know how I can approach my family with this and
if it would be possible for them to be okay with me going out with this girl. I
fear they might say no as it would set a bad example for my siblings or
something to that extent. thank you for taking your time to answer this.

Answer
Greetings M, and thanks for your question.  I can understand how you feel like you're in a difficult position!  

Many other parents have been down the same path before.  And it is always hardest with the oldest child; it means she has anxiety about you being ready to leave the 'nest.'

There are a few things that I am unsure about in your question, one of which is whether this relationship is sexual.  I could understand your mother's concerns about becoming sexually involved with someone that you don't want to marry, not only because of the possibility of pregnancy, but because of the very real emotional pain and entanglement that often happens when such relationships break apart.

However, dating in an of itself, especially once you have become an adult, and especially in American culture, is an important part of becoming an adult.  It is only through dating that you can develop the relational skills necessary to build a healthy and long-lasting marriage that is satisfying to both partners--this is especially true today when men and women are more equal (working outside the home and having their own activities) than previously, when a wife may not have been able to divorce due to not being able to support herself outside an unhappy marriage.  

I think it will probably be important for you to have an honest conversation with your mother about your relationship, along with reasons why you love this girl and how you are behaving responsibly in this relationship.  (After all, sneaking around wouldn't be a great example to your siblings, anyway).  It may be that you could bring a trusted older adult who is supportive of  you and your relationship to be present while you have this conversation also.  

It may also really help if your girlfriend and her parents (especially since they are accepting) could meet your mom.  Perhaps you can have a dinner party at either your or her house for them to meet.  Your mom should know before then that you are dating, so there are no surprises.  This may help her to better accept the relationship as well.

But yes, overall, you want to have the kind of relationship where you and your mom can talk openly about your love relationships--and tell her this--that you want to be able to come and talk with her about important things in your life, because she's your mom.  Hopefully, a combination of these above techniques will help her to adjust and accept this relationship.  

Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!

peace,

Le Anne