Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 2/19/2008

Question
Hello! I have read all of your wonderful answers and wanted to ask a question I did not see on this site. At what point do you think it is appropriate for a Muslim man to tell his family about his Christian American girlfriend and/or introduce her to them? I understand that the culture of "dating" is quite different in the Muslim world, and do not want to put pressure on my boyfriend, but I just want to know what I should be expecting. We have been together for two years and are both in our early twenties. His father is a devout Muslim and his mother converted (but is ethnically Arab) when they married. We have had conversations about marriage and do hope to marry in the future, but are not currently engaged. I appreciate your response!

Answer
Greetings Kim, and thanks for your question.  There are several variables to what's 'normal' in these cases, such as whether your guy (and his parents) have been living in the U.S. for a long time, or if they've spent most their lives in another country; if so, which country, urban or rural setting, etc.  Generally, things are more relaxed the longer the family has lived in the States.

However, it may be still considered 'normal' for your guy to introduce you to the family just prior to getting engaged or just afterwards.  Your ages might weigh in on this also, as the older the child is, the easier it becomes to assert to parents that he has chosen a partner, who may or may not fit the parent's idea of a perfect partner.  (I'm not sure if this might be the case, but I know of other cases where the parents were hoping the child would marry inside the faith and the child doesn't want to upset them, etc.) There is also a very common understanding that Muslim youth do not 'date,' or spend time with a person of the opposite sex until/unless the parents have arranged this, and as an engagement or marriage.  This is a more conservative practice, but an influential custom nonetheless, and it may or may not be influencing your situation.

I do think it would be a wise move for you, as you move closer to engagement, that you ask to meet your guy's parents before accepting a proposal.  This is a good-faith action on your guy's part that he is making a commitment to complete the marriage.  It sounds like your relationship is a stable one, but occasionally I've counseled women whose guys were giving them false hopes of getting married.  If you have any doubts, it's not a bad idea to set a wedding date, or at least a month and year, at the time you accept the proposal. (This is actually good advice for any woman, no matter who they're dating).

But, overall, it sounds like you're still in a reasonable place for this relationship, given the details you've provided.  In the meantime, you might spend some extra time asking your guy deeper questions about the culture of the community where he comes from, what the relationship practices are there, and parent/child relationships.  This is all good information to have on hand for many years in the future!  And above all, I wish you the best of luck.  Please let me know if I can help with any other questions!

peace,

Le Anne