Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 3/20/2008

Question
I don't even know where to begin. I met and fell in love my an arabic guy that is almost 6 years younger than me. His parents are from jordan but he was born here. He has only dated white american girls because he said arabic girls do not date. He said his father thinks all of his girlfriends were whores because they date. We've been together for 6 months now and i have brought up the idea of a serious relationship with the potential for marriage someday maybe. He mentioned that one day he would marry an arabic girl because that is what is expected of him otherwise his family would look down on him. I asked if that's what he wanted to be happy and he said it didn't matter to him and he's never been happier, with me. I see real potential in this relationship but wonder how i could ease his parents mainly his father into the idea of his son marrying someone who's not arabic but would respect their culture and traditions and would pass them down to my children if that was in the future as well. I am madly in love with this guy and cannot see us ending it one day just because i'm not arabic. We are still together because we're happy as can be besides that issue. How do couples that aren't both arabic make it work peacefully amongst the families? What do arabic families expect of their son's wife? Whether or not she's arabic. What to them is a "winner"? I'm interested in learning what they expect and what i could offer to bring to their family other than my race. Thank you soooo much for your advice in advance. This is something i'm deeply concerned and stressed about right now. As i'm sure are many other women in my situation. Thanks again!

Answer
Greetings Niki, and thanks for your question.  It sounds like you're in a tough situation that is not uncommon.  I am not sure from your letter how old you are, although you have said your guy is 6 years younger.  It is true that most Arabic women do not date, and sometimes this is because the families of the children are more involved in helping the children find suitable partners.  It can also be a common perception that by not dating, Arabic women are more virtuous and family-minded.  By appearing in your guy's life, you interrupt the cultural norms--his parents don't know your parents or you, haven't been involved in this decision, and (by perception), who knows where you've been? It likely would also strike them as odd because of the age gap.  If anything in Arabic families, it's likely to be the other way around, so the husband has adequate time to develop a secure job and home. It's important to understand the concerns the parents are most likely bringing to the table.  

If your relationship is quite mutual, and your guy is willing to put in as much work as you are in gaining his family's acceptance, there are some things you can do to make this better.  First of all, it would be important for you to spend time in his parents' company, and also to have your parents meeting them and developing a friendship.  This helps to re-establish some credibility for you and 'where you come from.'  Secondly, you can start learning Arabic, preferably in other ways besides just from your guy (books, cassettes, etc.) Also start learning about Islam, if this is his religion. Third, a Lonely Planet is often a good start in learning Arab customs, including the basics such as visiting manners.

I do emphasize that this is in many ways going to require a lot of work on your guy's part.  It gets easier to assert to your parents that you are going to marry who you want as you get older (ie, closer to thirty, having completed your education, and with a steady job).  However, you will save yourselves much pain trying to build a good rapport with them before considering marriage, rather than marrying first and then trying to build, especially under these circumstances.  

Finally, a caution, which may not be your case at all but I have come across it often.  Any time I hear an Arabic guy say to a girlfriend that he will probably marry an Arabic girl, for family reasons, I worry about the authenticity of the relationship--even if he says he's never happier, or that you are madly in love.  It is frequent in these cases that the guy is trying to be nice or flattering (he doesn't want to end this relationship now, or get married soon), but he is not as seriously invested in the relationship. Because the guys often can't date Arabic girls, they often 'experiment' with other girls before settling down. It's just something to keep an eye out for as you proceed.  Again, this may not even apply to your situation, so I don't want to panic you.

So, these are all ways you can get yourself on better footing with the guy's family, and I wish you good luck!  I hope this is helpful.  Please let me know if you have further questions I can help with.

peace,

Le Anne