Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 5/19/2008

Question
Sallam alaykum. I hope that you are in good health. I am writing you
because of my situation which may be similar
to many stories you may have encountered.  I am a Catholic and
inshallah, will convert to Islam. As a Catholic, sexual purity for me
and for
my family deserves a high regard. In spite of this,I have nothing against
women who may have experience before they get married because it is
their choice and their belief. I respect them for their choices on how
to go about their lives.

I got myself involved in a romantic relationship with M for a little
over one and a half years now. We are one happy couple. We like to
talk about anything, discuss politics, science and religion. We are
never embarrass of each other and are sources of each other's
strengths. He is an American Muslim and his parents were both from
Jerusalem. His dad went to US in the 80's and tried to study, then,
married an American woman and later divorced. He went back to
Palestine and married M's mom. They started the family with five
children in California. I live in Maryland and it is here where I met my
boyfriend, M who is a Muslim. I did  not know before we got serious
that having boyfriend or girlfriend, however good-intentioned it is,
is forbidden in Islam. He only told me that his mother will not like me
because I am not  a Muslim and not an Arab. I chose to stay with him
because I was thinking innocently that no man can make such prejudice
to a person whom he/she never met. I believed also that M and I are
in-love that his family would understand our relationship. Our
relationship was, I can describe as normal, during our first
months...sharing, loving, lovebirds who care for each other. I also
began studying Islam and learning Arabic as my attempt to become
closer to his family. Although right now, there is great fervor in my
heart that becoming a Muslim is my way to worship Allah even more. I
feel that Allah has showed me a path through M.
I love M so much that I wanted to grow old with
him. I do not want to be a threat to his family, meaning that they
might think that I am taking M from them and ruining their traditions.
M knows how much I cared and took care of him. In spite of our good
relationship, his family threatened to disown M if he continues to be
close to me. M hid me as his girlfriend for more than a year and I
accepted that because I trusted him that he is just waiting for the
right time to introduce me to his family. Until now he never admitted
to his family that I am his girlfriend and that we almost lived
together like husband and wife for 18 months. He had past girlfriends
and I thought it was just among the norms of the society until I
discovered Islam. Now
that his family is pressuring him to let go of me, he wanted me to
just forget him. His mom wanted a bride for him. I felt betrayed and
deceived. He thinks that I can just forget everyhting. I tried but
it's very very painful. It's like surgery without anesthesia. I would
still want to be with M but this time as my husband.


As much as I am tired and hurt about this, I also feel sorry for M as
he is hurting too. He had asked me to leave him as he cannot fight for
me any longer. But he wanted to remain friends with me and still share
the friendship we always have and drop the romantic part. Maybe it's
possible, maybe it's not. It's very painful but I have no choice but
to leave him as he wish. I tried to fight with it but I can no longer
do that if we cannot go against the odds together as he has
surrendered already. I love M so much and he has touched my life
tenderly. I will yearn for him, that's inevitable. But I guess, I just
have to accept that God gave me a chance to walk a part of my life
with him to learn how to love by sometimes putting our loved-one
before us, being selfless, being high-spirited in spite of being
stepped on, cherish happy moments and hear tons of laughter and do not
get sick of it, talk intellectually and raise opinions knowing that
someone can honestly rebut you lovingly. Right now, I am very very sad
and I just hope that my mom who is not currently with me would hug me
and stay with me until I fall asleep.


With the situation of us being broken apart, part of myself thinks that
from the very start, M just used me for his satisfaction. I do not
want to think that way because I see him as a good person. But what is
happening right now is that he gave up everything we had and left me
in the cold at his family's signal. I told him to not close the doors
for us and we'll repent together and ask forgiveness from Allah. He is
very afraid of his family
that he is not willing to fight for me. On the other hand, he said he
cared for me but his family will never accept me. I feel that I have
given M my purity, my life, my time, my love because I honestly love
him and I thought that we
can be married someday. Reading Islamic teachings and hadiths, no Muslim man will take
me for a wife had they known I  lived with a Muslim man before. You
must be thinking why I gave myself to him. I was in-love and I trusted
him, just like how many couples who end up marrying each other. (This
is before knowing Islam and before knowing how grave fornication is)

I need your advice. I would like to know if I have the right to demand
marriage from him, although I am not pregnant, I have given him my
womanhood as I love him. I know that you would think why I wanted to
be with this
man after all that has happened. M and I shared a loving relationship
and we do great things together with regards to graduate school and
research. M and myself have to study hard and get our PhD's.

Should my family demand from his family that their son should be
responsible for what he has started? If Islam is so concerned about
sexuality and its purity, should Muslims be responsible if they made a
mistake and make part of repentance is to take responsibility for
un-islamic actions. I am very sorry I did this. I have pure intentions
for M and I hope
his family would know. M told me not to tell anybody about what we
shared. I am sharing it to you as I am confused and felt the
oppression and injustice.

In Islamic court, the man and woman involved in premarital
relationship will be lashed 100 times.
Is this the one M is afraid of? And his family's honor will be
tainted?  I need your help. All I am praying for is
for everybody's happiness beyond selfishness, and for Allah's
forgiveness. Thank you.


Answer
Greetings Nadia, and thanks for your question.  Oh dear, it does sound like you have had a difficult situation and I am sorry for your pain and loss.

While it would be good if a man of any background took responsibility for his relationships and did not hurt the women he has involved himself with, this is quite often not the case.  

It is not likely these days that a man would face any punishment for premarital relations. Nor would a son's family be tainted for 'sowing wild oats,' whereas a daughter's family would be challenged.  This is unfortunate, but true. And as much as I hate to say this, a man who truly loved you, Muslim or otherwise, especially one of his age (to be in grad school), would stand up to his family.  It is a terrible reality, but one that happens often.  Given the behavior you describe on his part, it sounds like he is trying to let you down gently, but was not and is not intending for you two to get married.  Especially a Palestinian-American family who has been living here a while, would not disown a son for this. I do believe that he has been deceptive with you, and you are under no obligation to keep secret your relationship.

However, it may be more healing for you to let it go completely and move on with your life.  Are you truly happy with Islam?  Then stay with it.  You will know your heart and your faith best.  And don't take it for granted that no other Muslim guy will ever want you; particularly in Western countries and less traditional families, you may indeed find someone.  I have a close friend who is a Muslim convert whose first man treated her quite badly, but she is now happily married to another Muslim man who treats her wonderfully and respects her for her whole history.  So it is possible.

I am sorry to be the bearer of this difficult news, and I know this is probably not the answer you were hoping for.  You may find it healthiest for now to separate yourself entirely from this person for a while, several months or a year, to do the deep healing work you will need from this bad breakup.  It's not a bad idea to visit home and friends and let them care for you for a little while this summer, because it does hurt.  And to re-adjust to your own thoughts and make some decisions about what to do next, it would be good to get space from him.  Don't blame yourself.  This guy has done a great disservice to many other good Muslim men, as well as has harmed you.  Take the time to care for your self during this difficult period; and as you say, treasure the good from the time you spent together, but also remember there were good reasons to move on, and life may have far more in store for you.

I hope that this helps!  Peace to you, and the very best of luck!

Le Anne