Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 9/17/2008

Question
Le Anne -
I've ready quite a bit of your answers to many people's questions.  It makes a great deal of sense.
I've been 'dating' a Lebanese Muslim for the last 18 months.  We met in Dubai while I was living in South Africa. We travelled to each other atleast once per month for several days at a time and have done so for as long as we've known each other.  We finally agreed we wanted to marry.  Now, he's Muslim but not completely practicing.  He doesn't drink, ofcourse there's sex, he doesn't go to mosque or do daily prayers but does fast during Ramadan.... so maybe that's considered 'middle of the road'? Im Christian.  The religious issue has never been a problem and he's said he would not ask me to convert.  He spent his early years in Lebanon but from about 10 - 19 was in Saudi with his family (both parents lebanese) and then went to Dubai for university and he's resided there since.  I've since relocated to Doha for my job which is great because we're closer. The first few months were great.... 5 sms's a day ... love you, miss you, etc. Then it kind of dropped off a bit and it was me calling, he'd sms, me calling, etc.  We had quite the arguement about this and he felt I was being petty but I tried to explain that keeping in contact was all we had at this point and it was important for me to know I was in his thoughts... most of the time its "you know I love you more than anything on this earth." and then ends it with 'khalas' (finished/done/conversation over).  Its not a problem for his family (although his parents don't know about me yet as he's said that until we set the date for marriage, he is keeping it with his siblings and auntie who he's closest to) that Im American.  I think its a pride thing as well.... Im a couple of years older (we're both in our mid 30's)... no kids and neither of us want kids.  We're both professionals but I make a bit more money than him (which I think bothers him).  He's very posessive.... if Im going out with colleagues to dance or to a pub, he gets very irritated and makes it clear things will change when he's in Doha. I ask him how and he just says its because he'll be with me then. I think that just to antagonize him, I tell him that I often have to take overseas colleagues to dinners and such and they're male... he says he'll go with me. I explain that its not that appropraite.. he says there isn't a choice.  
In my previous relationships Ive always had to control everything... now I have what I wanted with a man handling the situation while I can do what I want to do with work, etc.....but am I going to the extreme?  Do Muslim men view their women differently?  What am I getting myself in for? How will marriage be viewed?  I know that family is the most important thing to him (i.e. his family)... my making any comment about his family can be construed as VERY bad even if not meant that way and has almost caused a  breakup. My questions?  Well, probably various as you can see in this message.... so your thoughts or input on the cultural aspects of this marriage are needed. I want to make sure that Im not overstepping my bounds because of my cultural background and always having 'soft and sensitive' men in my life and not expecting the same of a lebanese man.

Answer
Greetings Brin, and thanks for your question.  Hmm...this is an interesting situation you describe.  It's true that Lebanese men, as with other men from Middle Eastern countries, would feel strangely about their wives going out alone with other, unrelated men;  although business situations can be different. 'Possessiveness' can be common. It would be better if a group of some kind was going, or, actually, very good if you were bringing him along as a show of hospitality to the client.  (This would be a modern re-working of the old 'bring the boss home for dinner' business courtesy).

I think it sounds like although you want to be with him, you are antagonizing the relationship a little with pressing the issue about going out alone with guys and also the communication.  In effect, that you are pushing him away enough to be sure that he'll come back.  In the meantime, it sounds like he's getting busy with his life; I wouldn't measure love in a quota of SMS.  When my fiance and I are away on business, we realize that life may interrupt our texting.  We commit to rebuilding and catching up when we get back in the same place together.

Now, family communication is another question.  On this it sounds like you both need a lot more face-to-face discussion time to work out how you will discuss family issues with each other--since you will need to discuss your larger families at some point.  Being respectful (even 'overly so') while bringing up criticisms/concerns as politely as possible is very important.  So is listening and affirming.  This is actually not so different from dealing with many Western spouses.  

I want to emphasize that the two of you will need a lot of time in person together to talk through these issues of intimacy (spousal communication), gender roles, and family, before proceeding towards marriage.  You have a lot to build on, but also challenges to overcome.  Together, you can come up with creative solutions that make the most sense for your situations, and with which you can be happy.  

Good luck to you!  Hope this helps!

peace,

Le Anne