Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 12/7/2009

Question
Hi, my husband and I got married a year ago he is Muslim and I am catholic. I was pregnant when we got married and his family urged us to get married so we did. In a church not a mosque. We did not have a nikka. His family has not told anyone that we are married. His brother is getting married in 2 weeks and they now want us get a nikka done before her wedding or they won't introduce me as his wife. They actully wanted to tell people that we are engaged and his brothers brides family has no idea tha my husband is married to me I have never been invited to meet them. My husbands parents also want us to do the nikka on there house with just witnesses no wedding reception. I dissagree with this. My argument is that we have been married for  a year and that everyone should no i am also pregnant and he does not want to tell his family. I have been studying Islam and might have reverted but the way they are treating me seems crule. Is this regular practice in Islam to lie about being married and having children? We are legally married in the u.s.a so why wouldent they tell people? Also I have no objection to having a nikka but I would like to do it with family and freinds not just 4 witnesses in there living room. Is there anything that I could say to them or are they allowed to treat me this way? And whenever I ask my husband if it's ok in Islam to lie about me being his wife he says that white lies are allowed and that if no one asks it's not a lie. Please help me. Thank you  

Answer
Greetings Diane, and thanks for your question.  I am sorry you are experiencing these difficulties in your relationship.  

First of all, I wanted to provide you with a good working definition of the Nikkah, and one can be found here:
http://www.soundvision.com/info/Islam/marriage.nikah.asp

I do think that it would be wise for you to enter into a nikkah, particularly since there are children involved, and because the marriage is having this difficulty--because you can set forth some term in your contract that will protect you and your children's interests in the future of this relationship.  A nikkah might be the place that you set forth that your husband and his family will recognize that you are married and have children to the rest of the family, for example.

I think that what your husband's family is concerned about in their less than charitable response to you is what we call 'keeping up appearances.'  When you and your guy got pregnant and married afterwards, they weren't able to celebrate in the usual way, and may feel a little embarrassed since they are more traditional.  However, this doesn't mean they have the right to pretend you are not your husband's wife.  Again, the nikkah can help with this.

I think that it is perfectly appropriate for you to invite your family and friends to a nikkah celebration--the ones I've attended are primarily parties for the bride's family and friends anyway--and usually the bride's family puts on that party anyway so far as I've seen.  Or, if you already had a reception at the time of your wedding, that's fine too.  The nikkah reception does not have to be at the time of the actual signing if it is not feasible to do so.

Good luck to you--I know that relationships with the in-laws can be very trying, regardless of the family's background--and I hope that this helps!

peace,

Le Anne