Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 2/4/2009

Question
QUESTION: I love love love my man. I'm a 24 year old girl born and raised in NY...mostly LI. My father is Saudi Arabian and my mother is African American with some Irish. Ive never really known my father bc he went back to his country when I was an infant, so I dont really know much about the Arab culture in general. I was adopted and raised by an African American family at the age of 9, so im pretty much very American lol. The man I love is 25 years old, born in Canada, with parents who have immigrated from East Jerusalem. We flirted on and off for 2 years and the finally became a couple in Aug '08, since the beg. ive known that his parents wanted another Palestinian girl for him, he was suppose to do this dating ritual with Arab girls that he never completed bc of me.Even though he'd originally agreed to this, in order to take over the family business. Needless to say he's under alot of pressure from both sides, me and his family. We're so in love, Ive never had anyone treat me or love me the way that he does. He's my absolute world! I adore him. He originally thought that he would simply have to seem interested in these girls, take them on a few dates and then just let them go on their way, to please his parents. But now it seems that this isnt a temporary process, he tells me this must end in a marriage. This guy is the sweetest,most caring man you'll ever meet and he adores his parents, he uses a phrase when he speaks about them, "If my parents asked me to jump off a cliff I would." How do I fight that? He swears he love me more than anything, but he could never rebel against his parents. We've tried separating 3x, it never works, we cant stay away from each other, we cant be friends, it always becomes intimate. Finally it seemed like the separations were at an end, but his mother came back down from Canada for Christmas (did i mention they are Greek Orthodox?) with his sister, whom he is very close to and was raised on LI too, but he asked his sister for advice i guess, bc she is 2 years his senior (and unmarried, i might add), and he say she only confirmed what he was thinking and she told him,no! That it wouldn't work! I guess he asked her if their parents would go for it and her response was no....so he has since broken up with me,but not in a traditional way, he wants us to be "best friends", he says its better? He may have any friends that he chooses, just not a wife. He's told me everything from he'll love me forever and his heart will always belong to me to he would have married me if he weren't Arab a long time ago! I still see him everyday almost. We've been slowly been slipping back into our comfortable loving natures, but nothing in his situation has changed, in fact he told me a few days ago that he is quite possibly returning to Jerusalem this summer for his cousin's wedding and (this he mumbled) to find a "girl".

I dont think I need to explain how incredibly HEART BROKEN i am....ive tried everything i could think of, im trying to learn the language and become accustomed to the culture, ive been trying the food. I told him i do anything his family asked, learn anything, convert to anything, im willing to do anything to make it work! He tells me I dont need to do anything on change anything, he too kind to tell me, but im sure im not acceptable by his fam, bc the color of my skin, ive asked him this, but he hardly ever responds and sometimes he'll say not thats not it. Idk what to do, he wont even try asking his parents, he says he already knows what they're going to say...i just dont understand,i can get loving your parents and wanting to do anything for them, but letting them make a decision for you that alters your entire future? Bury your heart and marry and complete stranger, just because they asked you to? I beg him constantly to just ask them, or try telling them the truth...every time i hit a brick wall. Im at my wits end. I've never cared about a single living them more than him,ill told him i think i love him more than he loves me, and he gets upset and tells me, how i have no idea how much he's tried, or how i think that he loves me less bc i think this is easier for him and how it just isnt true. But do i know this? He's a very proud man, who keeps most of his feelings to himself, it takes alot to get anything out of him. How do I get around his culture? Is there any hope?  I think i already know what ur going to say, but i couldnt help myself i had to ask, im praying for anything, a miracle, a blessing, an answer that will get me in the door. I cant imagine parents loving their only son so much and not wanting him to be happy? I mean they live in the western world right? I think they would be upset at first, but then maybe come to terms with the situation? No one this day and age is so uncivilized that they cant reason? I mean i wish i could look the way they want,but i can learn everything else, im a very loving person, i know i can be the devoted daughter-in-law they need. I'd do anything in the world to be his wife.

Im sorry this is sooo long, but im trying to include everything i can to get an informed answer. Please if you have nay questions for me feel free to ask them, I want to give you all the info i have.

Thank you in advance.

ANSWER: Greetings Kim, and thanks for your question.  It sounds like such a painfully difficult situation you're in, and unfortunately, it really might not work out well at all.  

It is also unfortunate, but true, that racial prejudice exists among some Palestinian families, just as it does among white Westerners, and other groups.  Sometimes this is because a group that faces prejudice of its own tries to dissociate themselves from a group that seems even more vulnerable to prejudice.  There are Black Palestinians (as well as Israelis, for that matter), which tend to experience racism from their respective communities.  To put it bluntly, it utterly sucks.

Still, before giving up altogether, I might offer the few strategies I can think of that might help:

1.  Is there any way you can meet his family in person, before calling it quits?  It's harder to reject a person when they know you personally, and aren't just a concept or circumstance.

2.  Is there any way you could travel to Jerusalem with your guy, to get to know the language and culture better, and in the meantime, perhaps meet some family?

3.  Is there anyone you know (priest, uncle, or a sympathetic friend of his that sees his family, etc) that would be willing to write a letter on your behalf, attesting to your good character, that could be presented to his family?  Or otherwise persuade the family to rethink this?

4.  A guy doesn't know what he misses until it's gone, and if he will ever have the guts to stand up to his family, it's when you cut him off.  Another not-great way of describing this is 'why marry the cow when you can get the milk for free?'  If none of the above are working, then don't let him find comfort in you until he's proven he can man up to his family--which he really could do at his age now.  He'll either figure out what's worth fighting for, or you'll learn what a lousy marriage you were actually about to be in for because he couldn't assert himself.  Even in the Bible it says that a man will leave his family and cleave to his wife--when guys don't, marriages are hell.  Now, I know this will be a tough, tough thing to do, but seriously--don't let him think that you're home waiting to cave in if he hasn't done his job--go out on dates or hang with friends, and have fun doing so.  Don't refuse to talk to him, because communication's important; but keep him at arm's length until he gets his priorities in order.  And find a friend that will serve as your accountability partner to make sure you don't go running back until he has for good.

Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!

peace,

Le Anne



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you soo much for your response! It makes me feel a little better to tell this story to someone who can understand both sides. To answer your responses:

1. I'd love to meet his family, but every time I bring this up , he says no, it'll just make things worse. I think in a way, he feels like they are going to say no anyway, so why even push the subject any further and make them really mad. You see, they know nothing of me. Most of his family and friends dont even know I exist,(for example, one time not too long ago I completely rearranged and organized the Colossal mess that was his and his father's business office, and the next day when his dad asked who had done it, he told him that a "girl" did it) it hurts to go through this, especially bc i am so friendly, but no one really knows of me aside from his sister, a cousin, and like 1 or 2 male friends. I mean his dad runs the business during the day but...I couldnt just drop in on the man, my guy would have an heart attack and so would the old man for that matter.

2. The fact that no one knows about me would make it extremely difficult to travel to his country with him, it would confuse everyone as to who I was. And his family would most likely be on that trip too.

3. Again bc know one knows of me, there isn't anyone to plead my case to his family. I wish there was.

4. I had been considering this one myself, my only fear is that he loves his parents and me soo much, that he'd might just consider this distance tactic, his own sacrifice, meaning, he'd see it as me moving on and making some distance b/w him and myself and his parents getting what they wanted anyway. So the only one really suffering would be him, and that he could deal with. I dont think he'd understand that I was trying to make him feel my absence.  Which I think is why I try seeing him almost everyday bc in some strange part of my mind I think if he sees me alot and becomes more attached it might be harder for him to try and let go, once the time comes for him to marry? IDK...im grasping at straws. I mean im not forcing the guy to stick around...I tell him all the time, "go and do what you need to to and contact me when your ready, or Do you want me to leave you alone? You want me to disappear? Would that make it easier for you?" To all this is response is always "NO!" Sometimes even will ask me if -I- want him to disappear? Like he needs me to make the decision for him, like he cant tell me to go away, but its ok if i tell him to?!?! I tell him he's already made all the really important decisions for me without even giving me an option, so why stop now, if he want to disappear he can!


Theres soo much pain and anger wrapped in this situation...so much anguish for something so simple...Love. I just want to be with the man I love.

ANSWER: Greetings Kim, and thank you for your response.  It does give me a clearer picture of the situation.  Unfortunately, I think its not a good one.  You are right--he is asking you to be the one to break up, because he's not man enough to do it himself.  So call him out on it by saying something like this:

"Since you will not introduce me to your family, and you will not acknowledge to them who I am in your life, I need you to leave.  This relationship is unhealthy and is taking advantage of me.  If you want to see me again, you need to honor me in the presence of your family.

And then, it will hurt, but don't see him in person again unless he decides to mend his ways.  The situation you describe sounds like it has a lot more to do with him than his family.

I am so sorry for your pain, and I wish you the best of luck in finding someone who will truly value you for all of who you are, and isn't afraid to shout your name from the rooftops.

peace,

Le Anne

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you soo much Le Anne,

I will try your advice, unfortunately I dont think it will do anything only bc im pretty sure he's already decided to go along with his parents wishes, without ever even letting them know there was hiccup in their plans.

Really in this situation Im the one who loses, I just hate giving up without a fight. But how can i even fight ppl who dont even know I exist, I mean his father has a few suspicions, due to my always being at their business when my guy is working and some of the customers hint about my presence when they see his father. Im guessing that even if his father believes them, his lenient, bc he probably figures its just his boy being a "boy" and "messing" with a local girl. He's already informed his son to "not make any babies", idk....

I guess the real issue is my guy, but with him holding all his feelings in, its hard to know whats he's tried do and what he hasn't, if he's done anything at all.

I truly appreciate your sympathy, seems how I dont get much from my friends. However I believe this one is the end of the road for me, I could never love anyone else.


Thanks for everything! I'll let you know what happens, he's suppose to get engaged this summer.

xoxo Kim

Answer
Good luck, and do take good care.  And, although I totally understand where you're coming from, if it helps, it was ten years between my first/only serious guy and the guy who I just married--even after spending several years firmly committed to celibacy.

Much peace to you--

Le Anne