Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 4/12/2009

Question
I am a young American girl of 22 intending to marry an Iraqi man who is 20 years older. I realize that our age and cultural differences are vast, but we have connected and learned much about each other and ourselves because of this.  He has never been married and his mother would love for him to get married - but only to a girl from the middle east. She is very traditional and he tells me she will refuse to accept us getting married and will make herself sick over it.

He has said it would be better for me to convert to Islam, but at this point I do not believe in organized religion for myself and refuse to convert with anything less than complete personal conviction, and he would never expect it either. As I understand for her it is more about me being American than the fact that I am not a Muslim.

In light of this, when we get engaged in the next few months and I am faced with trying to impress someone who I know fiercely disapproves, what can I do to make her see that my only intention is to love and take care of her son (I have yet to meet her and she does not know I exist)?

Are there specific things I should not do?

Would it be better to tell his other family members first, see how they take it and get them on board, then break the news to her?

Would it be better to tell her closer to the wedding so she has less time to interfere?

I know that is a lot of questions, I am so uneducated in the culture, but very interested in learning more!


Answer
Greetings Ashley, and thanks for your question.  I agree that it will likely not help matters to convert to Islam, both for the reason that you give--that your future mother-in-law isn't as concerned about it; and also that this is not required under Islamic law for a non-Muslim woman marrying a Muslim man.

Whatever you do, don't hide this from his mother until just before the wedding, as you will certainly offend her beyond description.  It would be better for your guy to consult with his other family members first, and see how they take it, and if all goes well, to enlist their help to break the news.  

However, if they aren't enthused, you may want to take this as a signal that married life may not go well.  I would also watch very carefully how soon engagements and weddings take place.  I do get concerned any time a woman writes me saying she's in a serious relationship with a guy, only his family doesn't know about it.  Usually, this means that the relationship is not as serious in the man's mind as it is in the woman's.  I hope that all is going well for you, but I do offer this to you as my standard caution.

It will be very good for you to begin learning as much as possible about culture and language, as well as Islam.  I always recommend Martin Ling's _Muhammad_, a very readable biography based on the hadith; and Lonely Planet is not a bad place to start learning about Arab culture, especially that which is particular to Iraq.

Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!