Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 7/30/2009

Question
hello I'm having trouble with my boyfriend. we have been dating for close to 2 years now. we live together in Canadian. his parents know about us and seem to be excepting (although his mom would love for us to get married)we love eachother very much but we seem to be having difficulties with our cultures..our latest arguement was about me going to a coffee shop with my older brother and a couple of friends. you see i work night shifts so I'm am up most of the night. he said that i am being disrespectful to him being out that late at night and i shouldn't do it any more. he makes remarks like this often and saying that his culture would not approve of this. he is Muslim and i am white so i do not understand everything about the religion although i am trying to learn. he also makes a big deal about the house being spotless all the time. i cant take a day off unless I'm sick or he gets very upset. i love him to death but I'm finding it hard to live with him when he has allot of expectations that i do not understand. i was wondering what the custom are. his mom is from Egypt and his dad is from Saudi Arabia. i really need to find out what his culture is like so that i can understand where he is coming from and why being out late disrespecting him.

Answer
Greetings Nikki, and thanks for your question.  Sometimes there are legitimate culture clashes; unfortunately, this is not one of them.  While perhaps very conservative Muslim families in very conservative Muslim countries would not allow a woman to work outside the home and would not allow her to socialize on her own, you do live in Canada, and you are not really doing anything wrong either. Even many Muslim groups would say a man's expectations like this for a woman are inappropriate.

In this case, I would be more concerned that you've identified at least three behaviors that sound like an unhealthy relationship that may actually be moving into abuse.  1) His claim that your late work hours are 'disrespectful' to him; 2) His objection to you socializing with your brother (a family member) and friends; and 3) His level of upset if the house isn't spotless or if you take a day to rest.

My dear, this isn't a matter of you not knowing enough or learning enough about the religion or culture.  This is a guy whom you will never really be able to make happy without losing much of yourself in the process.  A quality guy (and there are Muslim guys like this too) is one who will be your equal partner in the housework, one who supports you in your career outside the home, and one who isn't threatened by your spending time with family and friends.

You can still be casual friends with him and his mother/family; but I just couldn't in good conscience recommend that you try to make this relationship work.  I would recommend finding someone in your area that is a good counselor to help you through this difficult process of ending an unhealthy relationship and looking for a healthy one.

Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!  Again, I am sorry that you are facing such a difficult situation.

peace,

Le Anne