Expert: Jamshaid Zubairee - 7/18/2009

Question
I am a European and atheist woman. I have children from a former marriage. I have had other realtionships in the past too. I am living together with an Iraqi man. He is 10 years younger than I am (I am 34). He has left the Arab world for Europe only 4 years ago. We are a couple for more than 1 year now, of which 11 months living together. We love each other, he wants me for life, he is great with my children, the religion thing is not really an issue between us (he is not at all a great muslim in fact, in his case being a muslim basically comes down to believing there is a God, nothing more), but... we have had a huge problem since the beginning of our relationship and it is only getting bigger, it seems: he cannot handle the fact that I have had men before him, in fact he cannot help but consider me a whore because of my past, sexually and otherwise relatively free existence (really not so different from the average Western existence, not so different at all). He has done and 'seen' everything that I have, and more if I dare say, but I guess the fact that he is a man makes all the difference? I have gradually changed my ways completely in the first months of being with him: I have stopped all contact with other men except his brother and closest friends, and I mean ALL (including not even talking or looking (which, I might add, is pretty inconvenient at work, in fact they take me for some kind of freak there)), I have also stopped contact with all the women of my past (because they know of my past he would have a hard time dealing with them), I don't go out anymore without him not even to do shopping, the exception to this being my job, which I have to continue because of sheer financial reasons (he does not work yet), when he has friends over at our place I separate myself from the party, etc. I do not mean to say I am being a perfect wife to him, but honestly I do not think I am a bad one either, many Western women would not go nearly that far, I am sure. Anyway, the fact is, our relationship is being ruined by the fact that he cannot bear the idea of me having had other men in the past. On moments when he feels very strongly about that, I mean when he explodes, he calls me the worst names, he wishes me dead, he really treats me terribly. Again, I am NOT saying I am an angel, I know what I was before, I do not even say that he is wrong or unfair when he calls me a whore, because by this time my standards have changed so much that I myself consider myself to have been exactly that, but the problem is: I cannot change my past, I cannot change what I was. I only know, and he has no difficulty at all in recognizing that, that I have changed totally and am doing things the right way now. But how can we deal with our problem. I really would like some help, because it is killing our relationship and there seems to be no way out. As he says: you are a bitch, a pig, "khara" (Arabic for shit), but I love you. The issue is burning him inside, and it is breaking my strenghts because of the frequent anger attacks I receive from him, because of the fact that constantly, day in day out, I feel that he feels that I am a whore, that he is dating a whore. I am really sorry for some of my offensive words, but our relationship has become offensive like that. I really do not know what to do to solve this problem, please please help me in some way if you can. Thank you in advance.

Answer
Sister, I really appreciate your devotion towards your partner and in fact you are an IDEAL WIFE from Islamic point of view but the thing is that the person you are talking about is NOT a practicing Muslim. In fact he does NOT know anything about Islam. This is the reason he calls names to you. Islam has given such a HIGH place to women. But the real problem here is that he can’t forget your past. This is a very important thing in his culture. First of all you should remind him that he himself is living with you without marriage, is this admired in his culture?????? He does not work. Is it praised in his culture?????? Sister these are EQUALLY bad things that he has. But in case of himself he forgets his own faults but remembers yours. The other main reason for this sort of attitude on his behalf is that HE DOES NOT WORK at all. So the whole day he continues thinking about “problems” in his life and this is a major “problem” for him now. I ensure you that if he starts working this problem will be solved very easily. All of this is the product of his own mind and will calm down if he starts working. Plus you can also visit some Psychiatrist and talk to him on this issue. Sister remember that the extent to which you have changed yourself for him is GREAT and it is very difficult for a woman so he should also take care of you and show some responsibility. It is noting but irresponsible behavior on his behalf and nothing else.