Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 8/18/2009

Question
Hi LeAnne,

I have a question, I'm chatting with a guy online named Mohammed and he's an arab from Syria. We started talking about middle eastern current events like the war in gaza and america's foreign policy, I've always considered myself a well read american girl who tries to know everything she can about the Middle East especially about Palestine. Yet, I still can't get Mohammed to see me as a non ignorant american! Why is it that no matter how much I try to explain to him that I care about what happens in the middle east and that I'm not a close minded ignorant american, how come he can't see that? Why is it soo hard for him to trust me? It's like he says things to challenge me, for instance I told him that since I turned 21 I can legally drink alcohol here in the states. I was just kidding with him when I said this but he replied, "oh so you think we can't drink and go to bars here in syria?" It wasn't like he was mad....but it's how he replies to everything I say almost as though he's trying to prove that I'm ignorant. For example, when I asked him if he was christian or muslim, he said, yeah I'm muslim and I'm proud of that, do you have a problem with it? I said no of course not, but it's like every question and everything i say is wrong. He sent me an email saying click on this link and this will prove we are not the bombers and terrorists that cnn makes us out to be. I've told him that I'm open minded about everything. I told him that I accept him and his religion. I can't change his mind though. Why would he ever think that I would judge him? I was nice and I thought I came across that way to him, but it seems as though nothing I say to him means anything.

Please, I need help in talking with him, it seems as though I'm saying the wrong things. Should I stop talking to him about things happening in the middle east? When I tell him about my day and then ask him how his was he says of course americans always have better days, right? I'm like no I don't think that, I think damascus, syria is way more interesting. Am I doing something wrong? Or do you think I'm overreacting about the whole thing? Please help me. I want to be his friend, how can I get him to trust me? Thanks.

Answer
Hi Lillie, and thanks for your question.  In a nutshell, you're not doing anything wrong to offend a person of Arab or Muslim descent, it's just that this particular individual has his own anger issues to deal with and since it is an online-only relationship, is letting off steam on you.  I generally don't pursue relationships like this since they are not really very constructive.  It may be for the best that you say something like, "I'd like to be your friend, but it doesn't sound like that's something you want.  If you change your mind in the future, please let me know."  If a guy is just going to use you as a scapegoat when you've made every effort to be nice, it's time to move on and meet people who are actually interested in a real dialogue and friendship with you instead.  There are many more people of Arab and/or Muslim descent that would love to have you as a friend and could speak about their experiences without constantly putting you down.

Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!

peace,

Le Anne