Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 8/6/2009

Question
Hi I am a white canadian girl. Im with a lebanese man. We are actually in a close relationship. His mom has met me once as a "friend". Weve been together since september. He has told me that his family want him to marry a lebanese girl from lebanon. They want to send him off to get engaged to a compltete stranger. They believe that white girls are a complete disgrace. Now Ive always been a gentle soul. I cover up (i love turtlenecks.) i am nothing but respectful. im a very honest person as well. he tells me that he wants to be with me... apparently his dad is a little mroe accepting than his mom. I wouldnt mind meeting his parents except I know that they will disown him.... so he wants to try and make it work... but i have no idea what we can do.

Answer
Greetings Jen, and thanks for your question.  I get letters like this almost every week, and I sympathize with your situation.  There are two things that are important to keep in mind here:

1) If your guy really wants to make this work, he's going to have to introduce you to his parents, and prove his case for you.  There's very little you can do to assist this situation yourself.

2)  Sometimes, a guy uses this situation as an excuse for saying that he's really not that into you.  Guys know this; but they also know that there's really not such a thing as a son being disowned--particularly in a society where family businesses and fortunes aren't handed down to children as often as they used to be (if this was a fantastically wealthy family like the Hiltons, that may be a different case).

All parents have some idealized partner for their children, and there can be some difficulty for them when their child chooses someone else, but primarily, parents just want to know that an individual is going to be a faithful and reliable, supportive partner for their children.  You don't mention your age or your guy's, but this becomes increasingly true as children graduate from college and find their own careers and lives.  

So, your guy's parents say they think white girls aren't any good, but apparently your brief exchange with his mother went well.  (And most moms if they were this traditional anyway would have figured out by now you're more than platonic 'friends.')  And your guy says he wants to make this work.  Give him a chance to do this relationship legitimately--say, a timeline by which he introduces you and your parents if possible to his parents--but also set a timeline by which you'll decide to move on if things are not progressing.  A guy who's not going to actively advocate for your relationship to his parents is not going to make a good marriage partner, no matter what his culture.

Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!

peace,

Le Anne