Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 9/14/2009

Question
I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant by my egyptian boyfriend.  We met in South Korea and have been together for almost 2 months now.  We were intimate without protection as I hadn't had my period in months due to Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome so I figured I couldn't get pregnant.  It turns out, however, that with Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome you CAN get pregnant, its just really difficult to predict when you ovulate.

I told him about the pregnancy and that I was considering an abortion.  He's adamantly against it as he's a devout Muslim (I'm Christian)-- yes I'm aware premarital sex is contrary to the teachings of Islam and Christianity.  He says he loves me and will take care of me and is with me no matter what.  

Normally I'd rush to the abortion clinic but a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant I felt a strong desire of a husband and child.  Now I'm faced with the possibility and am horrified by how irresponsible I was in getting myself in this situation and simply need more time because these are not the circumstances under which I want to be pregnant.  I always intended for the baby to come after the marriage.  

I was always responsible throughout life.  I have my degree, a job, own property and cannot believe that I've put myself in this position.

I'm torn, however, on whether to have the abortion.  I've been with my boyfriend for a short period of time and have much more to learn about him.  Sometimes I feel, however, that considering the circumstances under which he was concieved that its meant to be.  Although I'll endure great shame here at work in Korea and with my family and everyone who knows me will be shocked and dissappointed, I feel like I should have this baby.

He is Egyptian and 40.  I'm American and 26.  How would a situation like this traditionally work in Arab culture?  Will he try to take the baby?  

Answer
Greetings Melissa, and thanks for your question.  I can see how this is a difficult dilemma for you, given the complex cultural concerns at work as well as what you had hoped for in life's plans.  

It sounds like your guy is willing to support you throughout this pregnancy and into the future.  Generally speaking, a marriage would be quickly arranged.  While there have been stories of Arab men trying to gain custody of children by force, they are largely sensationalized, and this has not really arisen in the past thirty years or so.  You can check with the U.S. consulate in your country for additional advice if it would help you to feel more reassured about the situation.  As an American citizen, your parental rights are very well protected.

While you may face some social stigma in Korean culture due to carrying through with the pregnancy and childbirth, you may actually find that people are more understanding with time--especially faced with a cute baby.  Family and friends tend to come around too once they've had a chance to get used to the idea, and especially after they've met the new grandchild/little one.

While I'm a Christian pastor, I'm neither particularly pro-choice or pro-life; I tend to think of things more in terms of the circumstances of the people involved.  I hear you expressing several strong urges to keep this baby and see where life leads, even if things haven't turned out as you may have originally envisioned.  It seems like this may indeed be where your deep happiness will be and you will be able to find the ways and support to make this situation work.  While it's true that babies change our lives dramatically--even when the pregnancies are planned--there certainly has been no better time in history than the present to be in a situation like this and still be able to live a full and meaningful life!

I wish you the very best of luck, and please let me know if I can be of further help.

peace,

Le Anne