Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 3/2/2010

Question
My boyfriend is Muslim and I'm not very religious to begin with but have an open mind. We have been together for 5 months and we love each other unconditionally. Most people would say we're crazy, but that's how we feel and it's not going to change in a year or in 20. We're both 21 and he just moved here about 1 1/2 years ago from Morocco. He has always said that what we're doing, that is sleeping together - even just sleeping in the same bed - is not accepted in his religion before marriage. Yesterday, he told me he is serious about following his religion more strictly. We are suppose to move out together, however he says we can't move out together because of his religion. The thing is I practically live at his house now, even he admits that. His solution is that we got to the Mosquee and get married. We just don't send in the papers to be legally married but in the eyes of God, we will be married and that's what counts for him. We have already talked about the future and kids, but all this settling down stuff was going to happen 5-6 years from now. His plan is for this to happen sometime between May and August. He said he doesn't know if he would tell his family or not but that as long as God knows we intend on spending the rest of our lives together, then that's what he can live with. It's just that one moment he says our relationship is too serious too soon and then he's talking about marriage. He said since he's lived here, he's left his religion behind and now he wants to change all that. I get that religion is important to him but I also have my values. He has somewhat let go of his values for me and I feel that I should comprise too. I just don't know if getting spiritually married is a fair comprise. In Canada, people don't get married at 21 because they love each other. Our traditions tell us to wait until you have lived together and have stable jobs with educations. Granted I am finishing my bachelor's and him his certificate, but we are both continuing in school. I also feel that if we are going to get married then it should be done the right way with our families. My mom might die from a heart attack, but I don't want to tell her five years from now that oh by the way I'm technically married just not legally married. He also doesn't have his residency card which people are already skeptical about. I have no doubts. I know that he isn't with me for that purpose. It's very hard for me to grasp the concept of marriage at such a young age. His reasoning is that we already live together and we already act as if we're married so why not get married. I just asked a ton of questions and haven't really responded. Bottom line is that I would do anything for him and so would he. I just don't know how to go about handling this situation. How do I decide that compromising and getting married so he can feel at ease with himself is not also comprising myself too? He hasn't given me an ultimatum but that's what it feels like. How do I decide if not only do I want to be spiritually married but also legally? And then telling parents and friends??
Thank you

Answer
Greetings Alex, and thanks for your question.  It's true that sleeping together before being married is considered unacceptable in traditional Islam.  It is possible to be religiously married within the context of Islam, while not being married in the eyes of the state.  There are some couples who do this, and do so in order to feel less guilty about co-habitating.  However, this tends to be a volatile situation and not the healthiest way to move forward in a relationship.  

This is particularly true if he is not excited about telling his family that you've been married religiously.  Usually, if a guy knows he is serious about committing to a woman, he tells his family and they are part of the arrangements.

Even though you really love each other, I recommend slowing waaaay down.  Stop sleeping with each other if either one of you is feeling less than completely guilt-free and comfortable doing so; and don't start living together.  If this relationship is really meant to be, it can last several years living in your own quarters and showing affection other than sexuality.  If you don't want to get 100% legally and religiously married, and he doesn't want to be sleeping with someone he's not married to, this is probably the healthiest--though granted, tough to do--option you have.

Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!

peace,

Le Anne