Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 6/7/2010

Question
QUESTION: hi leanne,

im just so curious if my jordanian bf can marry me. he is a christian-orthodox. i am also a christian. we are in this serious relationship and he is already talking about having me as her wife. i have so much fear because of course we are in different culture and i heard alot of things like an arab guy (even if he is christian) will never marry a non arab girl. i fear that maybe even if he likes to marry me, circumctances will not allow us to get married. pls help. so if this marriage will not happen i will immediately cur off our relationship.

ANSWER: Greetings Pink, and thanks for your question.  While in some very traditional families it's difficult for children to marry outside their racial or ethnic group, times are changing rapidly indeed!  If your guy is already talking about marriage and not indicating that his family will have a problem with you, then this is generally a positive sign.  I have seen good marriages between Filipino/as and Arabs, so it is possible.  For now it is good to keep the lines of communication open and continue to learn as much as you can from him about his own family, hometown, and personal preferences.  If he can introduce you to his family or close friends, all the better.

Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!

peace,

Le Anne

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hi leanne, thanks for the answer. well at first, he emphasized that his family and arab in general think that filipinas are slaves. He cares so much about what his mom thinks. I know its hard for him to introduce me to his family but these past few days he is mentioning that he will make me his fiance and marry me someday and doesn't care anymore what other people think. By the way he grew up in the states but he admits he is still arab by heart and will die for it. From his birth to his 21 years, he was in the states. Now he is 27 and he is presently working here in Saudi Arabia. Im confused sometimes which attitude is really dominant to him (arab or western). since i met him i've been so interested with arab culture (since he said he is still arab by heart)especially jordanian culture. Im nearly becoming a geek for browsing the net too often looking for answers. If you can suggest me a link or if you can make a list for me about jordanian culture i will really appreciate it.  thank you so much!!!

ANSWER: Greetings Pink, thanks for your follow-up.  Here's a list of sites I would check out on Jordanian culture:

http://www.google.com/search?q=jordanian+culture&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-Sear

It's hard to know with your guy, and I think it does sound like he's struggling. A guy who's raised in the States is more likely to be able to choose his own spouse.

If you feel that he is behaving respectfully towards you and is likely to follow through with an engagement, stay; but if things turn disrespectful or he talks about putting off a commitment later and later, then that's the time to make some decisions.  
Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!

peace,

Le Anne

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hi leanne, my jordanian bf introduced me to some of his male friends in saudi but not in jordan.he did not yet introduce me to his family and relatives. but now, he is telling me his plan, that he will go to my country and marry me. when i asked him why we cant do it in jordan he said it will be a big problem for him and his family will not cooperate. he honestly told me that his family will not accept me but he told me also thay they cannot do anything if we are already married..is this a good move? should i say yes to his proposal? im confused. im afraid this will create more problem. but im also afraid if i will say no i will lose him forever.

Answer
Greetings Pink, and thanks for your question.  I think that at this point, the only one who can make this decision is you.  Yes, your future in-laws may not accept you easily. Often families have this 'ideal' version of their child's future spouse that (probably unfairly) looks and believes and talks and thinks exactly like them.  However, you can in time build peaceable relations even after marriage.  Will you be spending a lot of time in Jordan after this, or will most of your life together be outside Jordan?  Sometimes when dealing with difficult in-laws, distance can be helpful :)

It sounds like in this case he's not trying to conceal a marriage in order to marry another woman later, but rather to protect this marriage from being prohibited by his family.  This is because he says his folks can't say no if you are already married.

Would it otherwise be alright with you to marry in your country with your family present?  If that's fine with you anyway, then it's likely you'll have a happy day, although with challenges in the future, but if your guy is indeed committed to you, that is what matters most.

Good luck to you, and I hope this helps!

peace,

Le Anne