Expert: David Rababy - 12/11/2011

Question
QUESTION: As salaam alaikum,

I hope you are able to assist me as I have met a really nice man via an Islamic website and would we both have expressed our wish to meet and Inshallah marry.

However, I am South African and he is an American Arab. He has informed me that his father was from Qatar and his mother a Greek/American. He was born in the US but grew up in Qatar. He has shared some personal information with me, e.g. his work in my country, where he lives and a few other details.

We have been chatting for about 2 weeks via messenger & webcam.

He has been a true gentleman and very Islamically inclined which is what I want.

But, my concern is that I have not been able to find any details, using the credentials he has given me on the Internet. I have his DOB, address and names as well as his daughter first name. He is well educated and has informed me that he runs a architectural consultant with business being carried out mainly in the Middle East, US and recently in South Africa for the world cup.

He has informed me that he has acquired a second contract with the SA government and will be visiting SA sometime soon and would like to meet me personally. He has also inquired if I would be open to the idea of visiting him in the States but I made it very clear that I was not able to due to financial constraints. He then offered to pay for my visit but I have requested for him to wait a few months which he has accepted.

Having read and heard about the horror stories of women being scammed by men wanting to acquire either money or some other gain, I would like to find out how I can check if he really is the person he says he is before I get to meet him or further into the relationship.

Your advice and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Shukran ghair

Annisa

ANSWER: Annisa, the fact that you need to "check out his credentials" tells me that you have your suspicions about him and his honesty. I am a retired Intelligence Officer, I have found that your instincts are most often correct. I am not a romance advisor, but rather a cultural one. I have found that it is very difficult for people of differing cultures to have a relationship without lots of compromise by both parties. If he was really "Islmaically inclined" then he would not pursue a relationship with someone who was not already a practicing Muslim. I don't know this gentleman, and he may be the real thing, but there are indicators here that you should observe.
Sincerely,
Dave

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dave,

Thank you for your response.

Please can you perhaps share what you would consider to be "indicators" women on the whole should look out for in such situations.

I will follow my 6th sense as it has never let me down, yet.

Regards

Annisa

Answer
Annisa, there is no secret formula. Issues of the heart seldom are easy to understand or define. Indicators include not being able to verify information that he provides you. Today privacy is often lost because of globalization and the Internet. You can often type in someone's name and get criminal, financial and personal data on that person, that in the past would have required a private investigator to uncover. Indicators can become hard to see when you think with your heart instead of your head. Remember that Islam does not espouse women's issues. Islam is a patrical culture and as such often squelches a woman's voice by western standards. I am not Muslim, but have served the military in Kuwait, Somalia and Iraq, (all Muslim nations) and have seen first hand how Muslim women are treated by their men. Be sure you know what you are getting yourself in for by seeing and thinking with your head first before your heart commits you to something you may later regret.
Sincerely,
Dave