Expert: David Rababy - 3/30/2011

Question
I am an American living in France, and I dated a Tunisian man for about 3 months. I am very happy this relationship is over, but I have some questions about whether my ex's actions were do to cultural differences or if it was just his personality? After this relationship, I would never date an Arabic man.

First of all, the first "date" we went on he took me to a club and never made eye contact with me. He spent nearly the entire night surveying the area to see if any men looked at me, and if they did, he would aggressively confront them. I should have known from then that he was no good, but the relation progressed.

He told me he loved me about a week into the relationship...I didn't know what to say, but I was polite about it. I though maybe in the future I could love him. Things were pretty fun for the first couple weeks; he gave me medecine when I was sick, bought me a box of chocolates. I then returned to the US to visit my family for the holidays for two weeks.

When I returned to France, things were different. He was moody all of the time, always complaining that he is tired, his back hurts, his legs hurt, his life is so hard because he works as a receptionist and is a student (mind you, he is 27 years old and only in his 2nd year of BA). I would comfort him, I might him every time he got off work (40 minutes for me to get there). I was a very supportive and caring girlfriend.

We talked about our future together; he told me he wants to marry me in the future, have children. It was nice especially after dating so many men who are afraid of commitment.

However, this guy is crazy. For example, we go to a bar (he hardly makes conversation, always surveying) I stare off in space because it is a normal human action, he FLIPS out. He is convinced I am looking at other men and refuses to believe I'm not. He did this at least 4 times, leaving me crying alone in a bar or embarassing me in front of friends.

If there was ever an issue between us, he became uncontrollably angry and wouldn't even look me in the eye or try to discuss the issue like a sane person.

Another fight: He is in class, and I'm at his apartment, I look at a postcard he told me his friend sent him. In front of this postcard, I see a prescription for chlamydia...I'm a bit panicked especially because we had unprotected sex. I ask him about this later in the day, and he explains and says he got it from his ex girlfriend and he got it treated over the summer and its fine. I accepted it. I didn't say anything mean about it. He becomes silent for a moment, "You know that really bothers me that you were looking through my things. I don't like that at all". I explained to him I just saw it in front of the postcard, but he refused to listen to me, yelled at me (like usual).

Another crazy moment: I went to Spain with a friend for a weekend. My ex called me while I was in the metro and he told me "Call me when you get there." I assume this means once I get to Barcelona. So I take the metro with my friend to a shuttle to take us to the airport which is about an hour away. While in the bus, I listen to my ipod, with my coat above me and my phone in its pocket. When we arrive at the airport, I get my coat, look at my phone and see that I have 4 text messages and 3 missed calls from him. I call him and he screams at me demanding why didn't I answer his calls, what's wrong with me, I'm a terrible person, etc. and then he hangs up the phone.

At this point, I had enough of his crap. He sends me a text 30 minutes later saying he loves me and he'll miss me.

Turns out, the one hour I didn't answer his texts or calls, he went to this very inconveniently located bus stop and asked the ticket guy if there had been any accidents with the buses....Crazy.

I broke up with him once I got back from Barcelona. He of course wasn't understanding. He sent me text messages saying F*** you, go to "the" hell. I gave him all of his things back. He had my extra ipod and a couple other items. I come home and see a love letter from him attached to my apartment door...telling me how he is so lonely and needs me. Pathetic.

I called him and told him it will never happen, and I'm sorry. I call him two days later, leave a message saying politely that I would like to get my things. I call him again, I ask "Did you get my message" he told me he threw it all in the trash, he hates me, he hates me, he hates me, and never talk to him again.

Ok...fine by me. A week later he sends me a text message about how cute I am with a bunch of smiley faces like "^_^" ":))" ....I don't respond to this crazy man.

He then calls me 8 times about 5 days after that. I told him never call me again, it's over between us. He says no it's not over..what? I then send him a text saying "The relationship is over. Never contact me. Thank you for respecting that it's over" He called me once after that, and once the day after.

I thankfully haven't heard from him again, and I don't care about getting my things back because I'm honestly afraid of this man.

So to recap: are his actions due to his culture or is it his individual? Or maybe both? Thank you.



Really, this guy was emotionally abusive. I can't believe I put up with it as long as I did.

Answer
Natalie, I was born and raised in Beirut Lebanon and have been happily married to my wife for almost 30 years. I would never dream of treating her as this man has treated you. He is a psycho and you need to distance yourself as far away from him as possible.
Semper fi,
Dave