Expert: David Rababy - 4/18/2011

Question
Hi

I am a black South African lady who is sort of seeing a Muslim Arab from Tunisia. At first I didn't think he was interested in me in that kind of way, I thought he was looking for friends since he is a foreigner. The day we met he made an off-hand comment about us having coffee soon and I accepted (though I didn't take him seriously-I thought he was just being polite) and we exchanged numbers. The following day he called wanting us to hook up and I told him I was busy maybe in the afternoon he then texted me asking me who do I live with and when I said I stay by myself he suggested he come over to my place and I said not today (he was a stranger I didn't know if I could trust him and I didn't want him to know where I live) long story short I did not see him that day. The next day he called again and asked me to visit him and I said okay and he kept on calling (about twice) to check if I was still coming and eventually I went to his place.

When I got there he had cooked lunch for me(it was a Sunday) and introduced me to his flatmate (who shook my hand, this confused me I thought men didn't shake women's hands plus I thought Arabs were supposed to be racist I thought he wouldn't want to touch me). Anyway, his flatmate left and we chilled for a while playing with his PS etc. then he asked me to sit next to him and when I did he started making advances at me like kissing my shoulder and my neck and he tried to touch my breasts and I stopped him and I told him I will not sleep with him and he stopped. We hung out for a while then i asked him to take me to the shops. When we were supposed to leave he asked me to go out first and to wait for him by the gate of the housing estate and when I asked why he told me, there is a gentleman from his country who is his neighbour and who has been helping him get his grounding that he didn't want to see me with him. ...Okay, like whatever...

So on our way to the shops I asked him if he was married and he said no (I've subsequently I asked 3 more times and he still maintains he is not married but he is twice divorced, by the way he is 29 and I'm 27). Fine. Anyways, after that he would call me everyday ask to see me-he would even be willing to wait up for me. For example, with my job i sometimes have to attend evening functions and he'd tell me he will wait and I'd be like no my function will end very late and it's on the other side of the city and he'd tell me he really wants to be with me.

So anyway it started like that and everytime he comes over he will try his luck and i would tell him, I would tell him I'm still not going to sleep with him and he would ask me why and I would tell him the truth-I don't trust him; I don't trust that the name he has given me is real, I don't trust that he is not trying to use me, I don't trust his motives etc.

I've asked him before what he wants from me and he told me he wants me, all of me and I told him to elaborate and be more specific and he turned the tables on me and asked me what do I have to offer him - okay, I was sooo not expecting that - he will often just look at me and comment on how beautiful and sexy I am. Sometimes, especially when we are driving he I would catch him stealing glances at me and when he talks to me he will look me straight in the eyes. I've asked him if he is using me for sex (don't worry I didn't expect him to say yes even if he was) it was more about gauging his response and he calmly denied it.

His actions say he is genuine (you know; he calls instead of texting, he visits me everyday, he calls when he says he will, he texts if he won't be able to make a date, fixes the small things around the house etc.) BUT I still don't know if I can trust him.

I know nothing about him or his family except he has 3 brothers and 2 sisters, he is 29, from Tunisia, has a law degree (though he is working as a barber), his name (which is real, I know cause I helped him fill in official documents) and that he is twice divorced. Whenever I ask him anything personal he clamps up and says "I don't know" and I'll be like "what do you mean you don't know it's your life isn't it? you're the one who is living it" then he'll say "I don't know, it is a problem-no?" then I'll drop it either out of frustration or because I don't want to be a nag.

My questions to you are:
1)Seeing as he is Muslim and Arab and I am black AND non-muslim do you think he has honourable intentions with me? I've read on the internet the Arab men like using black girls for sex.
2)How can I go about analysing his sincerity?
3)If he has honourable intentions, why would he close up about his personal life? Is it a Muslim/Arab thing?
4)What are the chances he really is divorced and is telling me the truth?

I know you don't know him and you don't know what he is thinking or feeling, I'd appreciate it if you gave me a general point of view. He doesn't pressurize me to sleep with him though he still tries everytime we are together and oh, it's been almost a month.

Answer
I'm sorry but this is very difficult to answer because its not really a cultural issue but rather a personal one. From what you have told me it has nothing to do with him being Arab, North African or anything else for that matter. It is true that Arabs once outside their hometowns/countries often live very loose lives outside the tenets of the Koran. It is most likely his intention to want to have sex with you and nothing more sincere than that. Trust your femine instincts and run away from him and find someone who will treat you good for who you are not what you can give him. If he has been divorced twice at age 29 that is a good indicator of what kind of a man he is. My advice is leave before he hurts you.
Dave