Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 12/1/2006

Question
His mother lives in Egypt, and his father is deceased.  He lives on his own here in the United States.  When he introduces me to his friends he refers to me as his "best friend".  I was just wondering if you know if best friend has a different meaning in the Arab culture/Muslim religion than it does to Americans.
One more question.  Even though they do not celebrate Christmas is it still ok for me to give him a Christmas gift? If it is ok, I know not to give him alcohol, but is a food basket or clothing acceptable to give?  Thank you
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Thank you so much for your helpful information.  Our ages are myself 25, and he is 29 born in the United States, lived in Egypt for several years to learn about his culture and then he moved back to the United States 11 years ago.
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I am an American girl and I have been seeing an Arab Muslim guy for several months. We go out to dinner, get coffee, go to movies and do what any dating couple would do. We have become very close friends and to me it feels like we are dating, but he says he can't date or have a girlfriend. Can you explain what he considers us to be?
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Hi Makayla, and thanks for your question.  I am wondering what ages you both are, and if this is a factor in your guy's response.  Often when a person says they cannot date, it is because they are from a culture where their parents arrange the marriage for them.  This is a stronger consideration when the person is younger, and it also varies from country to country.  Another consideration, which varies from family to family, is that the person would not be allowed to date a person outside his/her religion.  Generally, though, this is more flexible for Muslim men and non-Muslim women than the other way around (as it is frankly, for many religions).  Or, it could simply be that at his age his parents don't want him dating anyone, because they want him to focus on education--which is also common.  However, a person who would have to respect his family's wishes regarding arranged marriage, etc., could still have a 'good female friend' who would not be dating, but be companionable.  This keeps one on the good side of family relations and so on.  

My best advice at this time is to ask your guy, without pressure, to explain more the traditions his family and culture have around dating.  Learn as much as you can about his culture, and share as much as you can about your own.  If you really like being around the guy as a person, continue to spend time with him.  Perhaps things won't be able to change and you'll need to accept this as a casual friendship only; but things could also change over time.  Let me know what ages you are and his country of origin, etc., and I can also do some more asking around.  

I hope this is helpful!  Please let me know if you have other questions.

peace,
Le Anne
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Hi Makayla, thanks again for your question.  Hmmm...that you're both adults in your mid- and late- twenties is somewhat a different situation.  Do have that conversation with him to understand better where he's coming from.  Are his parents first-generation immigrants?  Sometimes they hold on a little tighter.  Otherwise, by thirty, he's probably completed his education, is less under the arranged-marriage restriction (also this being from Egypt), and has no Qur'anic prohibition as a male courting a non-Muslim woman (although generally women are expected to convert in, or at least to raise children as Muslim.)  Again, do this without being pressuring, and be prepared in case he really does want just to remain friends and hasn't been able to speak to this from his own self yet.  Still, if he's a good person and you enjoy his company, it would be worth maintaining the friendship while feeling free to date others and explore more.  I wish you the best of luck, and let me know how it goes!

peace,
Le Anne

Answer
Hi Makayla,

Ah, well that's usually a positive sign.  Generally, since Arab society frowns upon men and women socializing together if not engaged/married; a designation of 'best friend' keeps other's gossip at bay while recognizing the value of the relationship.  If his mother still lives in Egypt, he probably is careful to conform to more conservative social expectations as described in my earlier responses.  For presents, sure, do feel free.  Muslims do recognize the birth of Jesus as a prophet; even if they do not accord him Messiah status.  You're correct on no alcohol, and rather than clothing or food, may I suggest tickets for two to do something he'd enjoy, together?

peace,
Le Anne