Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 12/13/2007

Question
Hi Le Anne.  I am a white American and I have been dating a wonderful American Christian Arabic woman for over 9 months now, and I want to marry her. I know her parents really well, and they have come to accept me as her boyfriend - even though their tradition is for arranged marriages.  She was married previously (arranged) but the marriage ended badly quickly.
I am trying to figure out the best way to ask her parents for permission to marry.  I know in their culture, it's custom to bring the two families together for an engagement party.  This isn't custom in my family, and I know that she doesn't want a big gathering this time around.  Also, our extended families are very geographically separated.  Is there a way I can blend a more western style engagement (no party) with Arabic culture?  If so, how could I best broach this to her parents?  Also, apart from the engagement party between families, are there any other cultural differences concerning engagement?  I want to make sure I do this right, and surprise her at the same time!

Answer
Greetings Matt, and thanks for your question.  And congratulations!  It sounds like a wonderful relationship.  

I would recommend perhaps simply going to her parents directly, and alone, and asking for her hand.  Then, upon their approval, make your proposal to her, which should still be a surprise, and afterwards, as physically possible, arrange a small enagagement party for just your parents, hers, and you two as the happy couple.  If it's not possible, arrange just to go on your own, or at this point you can ask for her preferences again.  Afterwards, she may be quite interested and more relaxed about having a larger party.  You can always go big later after starting small successfully.  Anyway, this should be a reasonably good 'blend' of customs appropriate for today and also this situation.  Otherwise, follow the lead from the responses you get and adjust accordingly.  There's always the unexpected, but sometimes it's happily so!

Above all, good luck, and I hope this helps!  Please do let me know how it goes and if I can be of further help.

peace,

Le Anne