Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 12/14/2007

Question
                    Dear Le Anne Clausen
                   I have been married for 12 years and 1 month to a man from Egypt. I am Canadian and we have been living in Canada for 10 years.
                       At approximately 11.20 A.M. April 19, 2007 we had a bad fight. I was in the backyard trimming some overgrown branches from a tree, when my husband got really upset with me. Before I knew it he had opened the back door of the house, picked up the broom right by the door and aggresively came running and charging at me with the broom and forcefully hit me with the broom really hard on my back right hip, right above my buttocks there.
Before I knew it I could see the rage and anger and hate in his eyes towards me and He called me you bitch, you bitch you, you fkin bitch you, you wrecked my tree with berries, I eat from those berries, you bitch you. I began crying and apologizing all over the place I said to him repetitively I,m sorry, please don,t hit me, I,m sorry please don,t hit me.  He kept saying to me you bitch you, you f,in bitch you. You stupid, you stupid bitch you.I looked at him crying, I was shocked that he flew into such a rage, even though I shouldn,t because I have been assaulted before. It was just that this time I didn,t see it coming, and one other time I didn,t see it coming also.
I stood there in the backyard feeling shocked, hurt, stunned but really hurt that the look in his face towards me was i thought of such intense hate or anger or both. What hurt me so much mentally was that when I said take it easy, I,m sorry, you don,t have to hit me because I did sometning, you can tell me without hurting me or beating me up. He still continued to look at me with that rage within him and he went to hit me again, all the while still calling me bitch you, you bitch. At this point I was still in disbelief that I could not calm him down and was really shook up and scared and ran to go to the front of the house via the side walk right by the side of the house where the attached garage is and then i ran across the driveway to the foot of it when I saw that he had run to the front door via the same side walk, when I looked and saw him standig at the top of the steps he looked at me and said still very vehemently, you bitch you, you bitch you, it,s over, it,s over, it,s over you fckin bitch you, you fckn bitttch yooooou, he almost hissed at me, you understand it,s finished , I,m done with you. Don,t come back here you bittch, you understand, don,t come back her okay?, you  understand?  And I nodded yes. I was in such a state of shock right after all of this I stood there crying for a while and then I felt my body shaking and trembling I tried to stop it but I felt so ashamed, I looked around to see if any of the neighbor,s had witnessed this and I was so relieved to see that nobody saw this. As I couldn,t stop crying and trembling, i walked crying all the way down to my mom,s house. My mom lives on the same street as me and my husband.
              Then I went into her house and I didn,t want someone staying in the house to see what happened. I told my mom because I was to shook up to keep quiet. But I don,t want my husband to look bad in front of anybody, because I am afraid he will get even more mad at me and blame me for tellin them. And that he will say I made him look really bad.
                Mostly know, not all the time I sleep at my mom,s house on the couch in her living room. But recently I just started to go back to our house. So know I stay ther about one night per week, this week though it increased to me staying 2 times per week.  As I don,t like doing this, because he is very difficult to live with because of he has obsessive compulsive disorder really bad.
               There is another man in the house. But this man stays in a room on the second floor of my mom,s two storey house. I am staying on the couch in my mom,s living room.
                  My husband has informed that I can,t do this. Because where he comes from in his culture, a woman would not be allowed to do this. That in Egypt a husband and man would be allowed to come and drag his wife away and beat her up for this. But , he tells me because he is in Canada and not on his own turf and territory that he can,t do this. He also told me I am a bitch and I have wrecked his name and pride and honour and made him look really bad in front of all the neighbors and everybody. Because I have smeared him and dragged him and his name down in mud, I will pay for this by him taking half of everything I own. Even though he works under the table and hides all of his assets overseas. Until the divorce goes through I must stay at the house we bought together because in Islam and his culture I am behaving very badly. Even though I am not doing anything with anyman.
            Please tell me as I do not want to disrespect my husband,s wishes, according to his culture and faith, is a woman required to stay in their matrimonial house until the divorce. If this would make him feel better and if this is the right thing to do until we are divorced I will do it.  Please advice me appropriately and properly and accordingly.
   Please help me, I need feedback. As I feel very badly.
                 Thankyou Kirsteana.

Answer
Greetings Kirsteana, and thanks for your question.  I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you.  I also apologize for any delay in my response; I was on vacation and the website notice about this somehow misfunctioned.  However, I am glad if I can be of any assistance to you.

Very simply, your husband is wrong to be beating you and calling you names like this, and he is quite wrong that this would be acceptable in most of Egyptian culture or even Muslim culture today.  There are plenty of Egyptian and Muslim women's grassroots domestic violence programs that dispel any myths that this is acceptable behavior.  

It sounds to me as though your husband has had some sort of psychological breakdown and needs immediate medical as well as legal protection, as he is clearly constituting a threat of physical harm to others.  I strongly recommend to you to contact a local Canadian women's crisis center immediately for help and support through what will be a very difficult process, but necessary in order to protect your physical and emotional safety.  

Do not, under any circumstances, return to the house without police accompaniment.  You may lose your entitlement to overseas assets, but again, a lawyer who specializes in domestic violence issues and is recommended by a crisis center will be able to address these questions more clearly.  Many men use similar justifications for their behavior toward their wives, whether Muslim or Christian, Canadian or Egyptian--domestic violence knows no bounds.  

The good news is that Canada is one of the more progressive countries in dealing with violence against women.  I'm not sure what part of Canada you're in, but each province will have a center, and if in doubt, contact the police and ask for a referral.  It may be wise for you to seek a restraining order, but counsellors with the crisis center can walk you through this process and help you understand your options.

Do be sure to find a friend or two you can trust also as you go through this--you shouldn't have to do this alone.

Above all, I wish you good luck and safety and strength, and peace.  Please do stay in touch and let me know how things work out, and if I may be of further help.

peace,

Le Anne