Expert: Le Anne Clausen - 8/16/2007

Question
Hello. I am a European woman (38 y)and for a year I have a relationship with a men (40 y) from Egypt. It was love on a first sight. We were comunicating every day, meet every few month, making plans for the future, at the touch of religious theme one day our comunication from his side broke down. I don't know really what has happend, but since than he has withdraw. He wrote to me he really loves me and respects me, he need a time to think.. Two months ago..  I love him very much, I would do a lot for him, for us. But I just do not know how to please a man of his religion. I do not want to change my religion (oficialy - Christian) yet I believe in good positive thinking, in energy, in fate, I am combining small parts of different religions into one, that works for me, personaly. I did not told him that yet. I have read Quran and my personal believes are not inthere. But I do not object any human being to believe into anything that is working for him. I just do not want that someone wants to change me and my believes. He never asked me this directly, but beetween words I have percieved this intesions..
So, I would really like to clear this up with him, because my personal view on the situation is like this: If love is really strong, no religion should come in beetween to ruin the story. I would like to tell him that, to make him understand me.. I am not against his religion, I respect it, I just do not want to use it myself.
I can see he is very tender and sensitive man, stuborn on the other hand, thats why I would like to ask you to help me..  Is it possible to explain my point of view on religion the way he would not feel atacked?
Maybe I am to late already, but I was trying to think of the real reason of his silence.. and I was really waiting him to come forward, I was respecting his decision to take time to think.
Tell me.. how can I please him and keep my integrity at the same time?
I am lost here, confused, and I just dont want to lose him, because he is the most wonderful guy I know.

Thank you, Saba

Answer
Greetings Saba, and thanks for your question.  There are a few things that could be going on here.  I'm guessing from your letter that he did not say anything about the specific reason when communication broke down.  It is also highly unusual that  someone would cut off communication for two months.

It is also good that you know who you are and what your religious commitments are.  Many women especially do not work this through enough before entering relationships, and find themselves rather unhappy later.  No relationship will be successful when a person tries to be someone she is not.

I'm afraid though that it's not religion that has gotten in the way of the relationship.  Unfortunately, it sounds like he does not want to continue the relationship, but did not want to hurt you by ending it so directly, thus the letter and open-ended 'time to think.'  This is common of many men, not just Arab men; but unfortunately when you're on the receiving end, it does hurt.  And it prolongs the process of hurting and delays the healing.  He may be a wonderful guy in many ways, but it doesn't sound like he's going to be the right guy for you.

There is an old adage that is helpful sometimes in these situations:  If you love something, set it free; if it comes back, it was meant to be."  It is time to do this with your guy.  

If you would like to send a final letter to him, don't be harsh; simply say that you respect him as a person; that relationships are built on good communication from both sides, and you understand from him that the relationship has changed, and you wish him well in his future.  And then, be prepared to grieve and to move on.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, and I wish you the best for the future, and that you find a man who is open and deeply kind to you.  If there are any other questions I can help you with, please don't hesitate to let me know.

peace,

Le Anne