Expert: David Conboy - 5/3/2011

Question
Just as the title/question above states, I am currently preparing for a Mediation between myself and three (3) half-siblings for a settlement that was won in regards to my late fathers' death.

A little history: I am the youngest of my fathers' children that are still alive. I am currently 24yo and they are all 35yo+. I never really knew my Father as I was raised and grew up in Florida while he lived in Virginia. He reached out to me twice, tops, in hopes of a relationship but at those times, I was younger than eight-teen (18) and had been doing fine being raised in a single parent home. Upon turning eight-teen, i thought of searching for my father to begin a relationship, but I abandoned the search as my thoughts where, why would I want a relationship with someone who does not want one with me.

I had not heard from that side of the family since around 1998 (estimating). I was informed of my fathers death via a letter through the mail from a Law firm handling his settlement case. After contacting the lawyers, I found out that I had 2 half sisters and a half brother. Shortly after giving my information to the lawyer I was contacted by two other family members form my fathers side of the family and had conversations about what had exactly happened and made plans to attend a family reunion coming up.

Long story short, my siblings have brought up that my father once said I was not his child. My Mother had gotten a DNA test way back when so I have proof that I am in fact his daughter. I believe that we should all have equal shares in the settlement as we are all his children. They argue that I was never in his life or took care of him in his later days, but as the 'child' in the situation, I do not feel like that should be held against me. In arguing that I never took part in caring for him they say that I never visited. My half siblings live in MD and VA (were he passed) while I am in FL, which is further away. As a child, I was unable to make the trip. They claim that they should get more for pain and suffering of having to deal with his death. I feel like I should also get pain and suffering as well as I was never given the opportunity to experience their version of pain and suffering as my dad was not a part of my life.

They offered a share of the settlement to me, which I felt was an insult and we were unable to agree on a fair share, so we are now going into Mediation. We have a mediator and have all signed Arbitration forms (which means what the Mediator says is final to my understanding).


I just want to know what is the best way to go after equal shares of the settlement? I have proof that I am his daughter, but what else would help me plead my 'case'?

Answer
First of all, is there a will and final testament?  Or did he die intestate?  If there is a will and final testament, can you get your hands on it?  Bottom line is... if he left a will and final testament, whatever and whomever he chose to leave his assets to, gets them in the proportion he so designated, as long he was deemed to be in a lucid mental state that withstands the guidelines of the State in which his will and final testament was recorded.  Was he in a lucid mental state?  Do you believe that coercion was involved in the writing and adoption of his will and final testament?  If so, can you prove it?  And, if you think you can prove it, what will it cost you in legal fees, time, anxiety, etc. to go through the process to have it proven out?  In other words, will it cost you more in time and energy to prove that he was either coerced into writing his will or, not in a lucid state when he wrote his will, than what your proportion is even worth?

Ok, those are the legal questions you need to ask.  Here are the philosophical questions (in my opinion) you need to ask yourself.

By your own statement, you had very little contact with your father and he had little, if no, contact with you.  Do you even want his money?  Do you want to stand up on your own two feet and build a life for yourself regardless of your father's death - and his lack of involvement in your life? Whether or not you are his child (and I presume from what you said, that you are), his final testament and will instructs the court system how he wants his assets to be distributed and it shall be done accordingly.

There comes a point in all of our lives when we have to decide what is best for us.  I recently (yesterday) had to cross that bridge myself.  I, as well as my other siblings, have been putting up with one of our other siblings.  We have endured his tantrums and lack of respect and courtesy for, well, all of our lives.  We all kept hoping it would change but, it doesn't, it didn't and it won't.  Last night, I wrote him an email in the nicest possible way I could muster and, I got, unfortunately, the exact response that I knew I'd get.  Bottom line is... I have written him off.  And we own a piece of property jointly.  Which will become a huge headache for all of us but, the point is... I finally told him that I would not tolerate him any longer.  It has been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  Ask yourself the same question.  How much am I willing to put up with before I just say, "go f%$# yourselves because I know I can stand on my own two feet"? That's the question you really need to ask yourself.  If your half-siblings want to treat you like that, then, unfortunately, you're better off without them.  Accept it and move on with your life.  Be the stronger person and show them, through your own successes, that you rose above them.  Let them go, let them go in love and a white light.  You have more important things to do and accomplish in your life than getting entangled in their petty arguments.

I hope you find my thoughts useful.

David