Expert: Timmy Chou - 1/10/2006

Question
I live in Pennsylvania.

Is any kind of 'separation' legalized in PA? In other words, how is one protected and able to actually separate without looking like one is 'abandoning' ones kids?  I also would not want to disrupt my kids' (12, 8) lives with school, friends, activities, etc...and would not want to disturb their balance, but I really need time to think.  I also do not want to lose my kids. Also, I really do not know where one goes, if one should separate? My one friend close by offered (the mother of my son's friend) but it would be very awkward or strange, just down the street, coming back and forth as well, etc...

Also - has anyone separated while still living at home and is that legalized and must that be formalized? This would help with work.

I know with a divorce in PA, one has three months to 'decide' or 'wait' (is that still true) but I'm not sure what I want to do yet. As you know, I also have a home office business (my husband does my books!) and for consistency, it would be good if he continued with that part.  My husband also controls all the money etc...and I don't think I could afford parting without funds as well. He also said before that he would hold it up for two years!  Is that still legal? Very complicated.  

Again, I am just confused and need time to think if I want to pursue or not.

Also -- my benefits as well as my retirement is under my husband!

I hope to hear back from you soon.  

Answer
Thank you for your question!

Mediators act as neutral third parties to disputes and never "get involved" in judging the merits of conflict, but merely use special techniques to help the parties decide how to negotiate their own settlement.

I am not a lawyer, nor do I have any experience with PA law, nor do I do extensive family mediation, but I can respond to your question from my consulting experience.  Note that this issue may possibly develop legal implications and you may wish to consult an attorney.

As you have implied, you have a very complex, interdependent situation that will not be easy to manage.  You have correctly surmised that, like in many other areas, the law can only do so much.  Hence, if you husband wants to screw with you, hold up payments and the like, there is little you can do about it in the short term.  

My asumption here is that any affirmative movement on your part towards a divorce will be met with hostility or at least resistance.  

I obviously recommend mediation as a strategy, but the parties must be willing to talk.  If this is the case with you you could speak to a divorce mediator and request that your husband go with you and just talk.  A mediator is not a therapist, attorney or judge, and has no "stake" in how this ends up for the two of you.  However, you may find it useful to discuss your issues and the possibilities under the protection of asomeone who can control the converrsation and the subject.  

With luck, you may be able to work out a way for you to get some time and space to think, without setting off alarms and freaking people out.  

It's an idea in any case.  Hope it helps.

Feel free to follow up with additional questions.

For your information, the pros and cons of the types of dispute resolution methods follows.

GOOD LUCK!

Arbitration, Mediation, and Litigation

Arbitration: the referral of a dispute to one or more impartial persons for final and binding determination outside of the judicial system

Benefits of Arbitration:

    Confidential, no public record
    Limited exchange of documentation, information
    Quick, don't have to wait for a court date
    Arbitrators have expertise in the subject matter and are trained in conflict resolution
    Cheaper than litigation
    Preserves business relationships

Negatives of Arbitration

    It's a compromise, no %100 winner
    Complex arbitration can be costly
    If not satisfied, may litigate the arbitration procedure
    Poor results with an unskilled arbitrator
    Both parties must agree to cooperate in the process

Mediation: the process by which parties submit their dispute to a neutral third party (the mediator) who works with the parties to reach a settlement of their dispute.

Benefits of Mediation:

    Neutral mediator can objectively suggest alternatives not considered before
    Parties are directly engaged in negotiating the settlement
    Can be quicker than litigation
    Less costly than litigation
    Preserves business relationships
    85% of American Arbitration Association cases mediated find successful solutions

Negatives of Mediation

    may not reach a binding decision
    unskilled mediator

Litigation: using the judicial system to resolve disputes

Benefits of litigation:

    a clear winner and loser
    uses a prescribed set of procedures
    more predictable outcomes
    is final

Negatives of Litigation:

    waiting for court dates can do more hare
    usually more expensive than mediation and arbitration
    part of the public record