Expert: Timmy Chou - 2/2/2002

Question
Hello Salador,(original question went to Sal) This is long and probably will make you wonder why you allow time in your life for this. But I would appreciate your advice. I have worked for ten years in the pest control business. I have not taken a sick day in those ten years other then knee surgury hurt on job and and another knee surgury on other knee (acl) playing football with fellows from work. I returned to work earliar than docs indicated as I am considered by most as a dedicated hard working supervisor. I am also a talker ...could you tell:) Now the other party we will call her Jane. Jane is the office mgr and has been with compay 14 years and is close with many people at our corporate office. To give you an understanding of her I will try to describe. when I first started I was advised not to mess with her as it would not be a good idea....i later found this to be true based on how she handled other employees......this didn't concern me as I am a strong individual. I pointed out to my boss on occasion about her tactics and he said : I pay her to be a bitch and she does a good job at it". In any event the feeling has always been that she is not accountable on an equal basis with fellow employees and bascially can do what she likes. That is what I am going agains't!. Ok the situation....I asked her where a work order was...no tone in voice n innocent question...she was on the phone at the time with a personal call shooting the breeze...she responded in a yell Will you shut up!..I said Jane do not tell me to shut up.....she paused and then said well you have not shut the fuck up since you came in". I was taken back but calmly said do not tell me to shut up nobody tells me to shut up. I am standing next to my bosse's office and he says Bob in a tone similiar to when a child does something when he shouldn't. I said Bob.......Bob what .she told me to shut up I am not going to tolerate that. I then went to my desk. Many conversations were held with my manger re: this. He evidently thought this would pass but it didn't as I felt that she was in violation of company policy and that I was victimzed by her statement. He said he counseled her twice and he can't force someone to apologize. So i informed him that I understand but that I will deal with her only in a professional matter/meeting no social banter or friendly exchanges...bascially advoid her unless necesary. well it became apparent that this affected her greatly...I was told she would sit in office crying which did not make me happy but my concern disipated quickly when I heard she spoke of me to fellow employees in a derogatory fashion again using profanity. she was also threatening to quit if the situation was not resolve...then I was told she wanted to have a meeting with me....the assistant mgr sat in and my manager indicated that maybe she was going to clear the air based on maybe her therapist's advice. Yes she does see a therapist prior to this situation. she started the meeting by saying that her office girls were complaining about their workload from me as a result of our situation.......this was a smoke screen and obvious crock which my branch mgr later agreed with ...her apology was not sincere....I hear you need me to apologize I don't know for what but I guess ok ...giggle ...giggle..I am sorry.....I told her if that is the best she could come up with I saw no reason to sit there and got up and left after talking to manager.....He later indicated to me that he didn't blame me and would have done the same thing...I thought long and hard that weekend and told my boss that I would try to talk to her to end this before it goes outside to corporate and I didn't want to be responsible for her quitting.... after the weekend I changed my mind why should I do this....My boss tried tio throw me a bone by telling me that he reccomended that she take anger management courses through our work......obviously I knew that this was possibly just a comment to comfort me and would possibly never happen......In any event she make another comment not as bad but still a statement saying that when an insurance packet came in for (office girls) not to send myself to her if I couldn't figure it out than too bad.......I had told my boss before if anything happened again I would bring it to him and hopefully he would address it this time...I said I felt she was harassing me and being descrimintory in singling me out. Obviously this got him concerned and he called human resources and I was told to write a statement on what happened...along with assistant mgr...two office girls and Jane....Human resources will come out monday to interview...Sal these are the side facts that make this troublesome....Jane indicates that she was not on the phone on a personal came but listening to the radio and that she never swore...the other office girl Jane's best friend was NOT there when this happened but 7 months later says she thinks she was and that she agrees with Jane's story..(figure that one out)..The assistant mgr is my friend and he was sitting in office at the time and heard the whole incident and backs my story 100%. he was never qestioned on situation even when I asked mgr to ask him...the other office girl is the assitant mgr's daughter and was not there for the meeting but is reporting all she knows which is favoring my side and giving furthur damaging info re:Jane....My boss has said that he has mismanaged this situation from the beggining and you would think I have bad feelings toward him but I don't ....we are friends and I respect him but feel let down by his handling of this problem....Sal I feel like I was wronged here and continue to be victimized by it....I am aware that it takes a big man to compromise and to meet at a half way point but I feel no responsibility and no fault in this situation. I am a man of principal and feel that I am owed a sincere apology and that she should be documnted on this situation...I am going to focus on ther prior history and point out that my record is without blemish and it is my sincere feeling that she needs to be held accountable for her actions and told that it is unacceptable behavior and will not be tolerated in the future....This is my concern....district mgr told the assistant mgr that he better have his story straight(what does that mean?) and that he had better not tell me anything...he questioned this you mean don't tell Bob or JANE right....his response yeah whatever....Sal everything i said is true yet I worry that I am going to be set up here....my friend and assistant mgr both 10 years on the job fear for our jobs and I can't figure out why...this girl has pull with many at our coporate office....My feeling is simple....the incident needs to be proven that it did occur the way it did and she will be discipline and I will get an apology that my boss should have documented it..But I fear otherwise that they will try to trump up something on me.....I will inform my human resources mgr that I will take a poligraph test to confirm everything I have said is true and that I suggest she give offer to Jane and see if see is as keen to do it.....I doubt it...also troubling is fri she acted as if she didn't have a care in the world....However she did leave the office at 4pm yet clocked out at 4:30...blatent falsifying of time sheet...I pointed this out to assist mgr and office girl...yet these are the ones already siding with me...?!....Sal Finally here is the question ...I know how to handle this as I have no problem making my points but what worries me is the surprises ....for example the district mgr told my assist mgr that he should not allowed me to leave meeting and that he should have made me sit there until solution was found...he also said I heard Bob walked out when Jane tried to apologize..keep in mind my manager said he would have done same thing and doesn't blame me....but this is what I fear the changing around of things to somehow get me......Please Sal ...give me some good advice....what do you think their plan is....Is there anything I should specifically make a point of saying.....what should I advoid...what should I watch out for....This might occur Monday thus I need to hear asap...I am sorry for the rush.....I also am concerned for my friend and assistant mgr and obviously another big factor is that I can resolve this at the expense of getting my branch mgr in trouble and as a result cause a bad relationship there....agin I am a man of principal and I do this not only for myself but all the employees I supervise to let her know that she can not treat people in an unprofessional matter and not be held accountable....remember this girl is considered untouchable.......quite the adversary but I am up to the challenge..........hopefully with a little advice from you to help........My wife is concerneed about this and I have 2 children.........thank you Sal or anyone else who can help......Bob

Answer
Thank you for your question!

Mediators act as neutral third parties to disputes and never "get involved" in judging the merits of conflict, but merely use special techniques to help the parties decide how to negotiate their own settlement.

The case you describe here is very typical and can be considered a "classic" office politics dispute presentation.  If I were the mediator is this case, I would have already had you and Jane in session with me and we would have settled this without spreading the conflict throughout the organization.  As you have already seen, when conflict spreads, people's only concern tends to be protecting their own position, and not truth discovery or dispute management.  I cannot mediate this with you alone but I can respond to your question from my business consulting experience.  Note that this may have legal factors and you may wish to consult a labor attorney.

It may be useful for you to consider that right and wrong are not always the most useful places to begin in fixing these sorts of problems.  You are concerned that you are not being treated professionally and it seems clear that for whatever reason the organization is willing to allow the situation.  Continuing to focus everyone's attention on the organization's obvious failure will only anger and frustrate them further.  Asking people to choose up sides will create distance between you and the other people since they are worried about choosing between their loyalty to your friendship and their self preservation.  It is not in your long-term interests to continue this matter in my opinion.  

You have disclosed that Jane is in therapy, that others have suggested anger management classes, that your supporters know of her problems, etc.  Clearly this woman is fooling no one.  I think everyone is aware of this same information and everyone "gets it".  

I would urge you to rise above the arena that Jane promotes with her confrontive style of dealing with people.  In a way, she has set a hook and dragged you around with it.  This is a common feature of generally honest and straight forward people:  they are set off by dishonesty, abuse and unprofessionalism and can be manipulated by people since their reactions can be predicted.  Crooks and abusers will frequently take advantage of this.  Don't play along.  

When normal professionslism breaks down in organizations, effective leaders don't waste time sorting out the good guys and bad guys.  It is always a "he said' she said" endless proposition.  Instead, the best way is to insert additional structure into the organization in order to provide handholds and footholds to workers, ways to measure performance (non-performers hate this and usually hang themselves with it), and mechanisms to monitor behavior and compliance by everyone.  This approach lets a boss off the hook personally as results are tabulated by the "system".

I would urge you to employ yourself, in whatever fashion you can, as much structure around your relationship with Jane as possible.  Your goal is to build a set of rules to relate to her by, and also to document your interactions with her in a way that protects you from her obvious self serving tactics.  I recommend you do this by yourself, on your own initiative, and present it to her and to your supervisors as a a pro-active solution that says to all concerned: I understand that my own ego is less important to the company than its own business goals and I will not wait for intervention on the part of the company but will solve the problem from the BUSINESS perspective by instituting the changes as a responsible professional and fiduciary.  I would document your reasons, logic and particularly your intended goals in a letter to your immediate supervisor.  Be sure to state in some way that you are unwilling to cost the company money satisfying your personal demands for justice, but that your personal experience with the other party is one of deception and bad faith, and you prefer to rely on your structures when dealing with this other person for the good of the company, until you find a reason to be trustful of the person again.  Reassure the company that your attention is on your work and not on this dispute.

As for Jane, treat her in a businesslike and professional way.  Do not carry a big chip around on your shoulder with her.  Let HER hang herself if she continues to undermine and keep alive the dispute.

These are some ideas.  Feel free to follow up with additional questions.

For your information, the pros and cons of the types of dispute resolution methods follows.

GOOD LUCK!

Arbitration, Mediation, and Litigation

Arbitration: the referral of a dispute to one or more impartial persons for final and binding determination outside of the judicial system

Benefits of Arbitration:

    Confidential, no public record
    Limited exchange of documentation, information
    Quick, don't have to wait for a court date
    Arbitrators have expertise in the subject matter and are trained in conflict resolution
    Cheaper than litigation
    Preserves business relationships

Negatives of Arbitration

    It's a compromise, no %100 winner
    Complex arbitration can be costly
    If not satisfied, may litigate the arbitration procedure
    Poor results with an unskilled arbitrator
    Both parties must agree to cooperate in the process

Mediation: the process by which parties submit their dispute to a neutral third party (the mediator) who works with the parties to reach a settlement of their dispute.

Benefits of Mediation:

    Neutral mediator can objectively suggest alternatives not considered before
    Parties are directly engaged in negotiating the settlement
    Can be quicker than litigation
    Less costly than litigation
    Preserves business relationships
    85% of American Arbitration Association cases mediated find successful solutions

Negatives of Mediation

    may not reach a binding decision
    unskilled mediator

Litigation: using the judicial system to resolve disputes

Benefits of litigation:

    a clear winner and loser
    uses a prescribed set of procedures
    more predictable outcomes
    is final

Negatives of Litigation:

    waiting for court dates can do more harm
    usually more expensive than mediation and arbitration
    part of the public record