Expert: Timmy Chou - 3/9/2004

Question
I am in the middle (or I should say, towards the end of) counseling with my husband of 20 years. He is relentless in "divorce as not an option). I have two children:  10, 6. I also have a successfully run business, operated out of my home, owned by myself, state-registered as a WBE (woman-owned enterprise)since 1990. My husband is an "employee" only.

I am also deeply in love with another man.  This has spurred the above into high gear towards divorce. We wish to move forward as soon as possible with our lives together as well.

What steps do I need to do in order to proceed with a divorce, as this is necessary prior to an annulment with the Catholic Church.  

Also, how may I protect my business and my financial affairs, for, my husband is the one who has complete control over our finances. Since he feels that divorce is "not an option", how can he leave our home?   

Please advise.

Much thanks for your time.  

Answer
I have responded to several questions in recent weeks with a similar presentation and can only assume this is the same questioner looking for additional information.

Again, I am not a lawyer and cannot provide legal advice or counsel, but am merely speaking from my consulting background and experience.

For any person looking to divorce, I can only say that it is very necessary to protect your financial position as much as possible in advance of the proceeding.  This means getting in place the tools to conduct life as a single person again.  Many people do not have a personal bank account or credeit card in only their name.  These tools are essential.  You should check your credit file and see what your credit rating is.  You should take steps to be removed as a guarantor from joint accounts according to the credit file report.  If you have joint accounts such as retirement accounts, savings accounts, etc.  You should decide what your position will be and move to gain control of your portion of funds.  Many times "ownership is nine tenths of the law" meaning that whomever has control of something is very difficult to dislodge.  

If your husband has "control" over things, you will either have to confront him or take matters into your own hands without his knowledge.  Don't count on a court stepping in to take care of you.  They have to respect each side's rights and will only act after months of hearings and analysis.  This can be very costly to the side without any money or control.  

For business control you shold be formalizing your organizational paperwork, filing as a LLC, or other step to seperate your business from the individuals.  You could set up a LLC and put the business assets in the LLC.  As sole owner of the LLC you would then have control and legal title.

In most states filing for divorce is like filing a lawsuit.  You will need an attorney, papers are filed, your husband is served notice of the "lawsuit" and then he will have to respond with his own attorney, and then the fireworks begin.  Each side's lawyers will seek to maximize the benefits for their client with respect to money, custody, etc.  

It is far better to mediate the issue and agree about all these things with a family mediator so when you get to court you merely need a rubber stamp.  If your husband can face the inevitability of your decision perhaps he can see that his interests, your children's interests and your downstream relationship will be better off in a mediated settlement rather than a heated and costly court battle.

These are some ideas.