Expert: Vincent M. Wales - 10/27/2008

Question
Hi. I'm a teenage girl who was raised in a devout Christian household. I am having some trouble with my parents, because I don't really agree with their beliefs. I don't fit in with my family at all. I guess I just want someone to talk to who might understand how I feel and what I'm going through. Not only do I come from a strict Christian family, I live in the Bible belt. Everyone here thinks I'm a freak because I'm different. I do have a boyfriend that understands me, but everyone(especially my parents!) thinks he's a freak too. He's from out of town. He's a bit older than me and travels with a carnival. He is very freespirited and rebellious(like me). In a year when I turn eighteen, I am thinking of traveling around a bit with him. There is NOTHING here for me.

My parents tell me that I'm a "sinner" who is going to go to hell because I am female and kind of opinionated and outspoken, and not very good I guess at being submissive like they say I'm supossed to be. My father even called me a little whore, because I have a boyfriend and he found out we slept together. What bothers them a lot too is that I like horror movies and have a tattoo(I want more!). They say that horror movies are a "vehicle that Satan uses to tempt us". Whatever. I just like scary movies. And I don't see how my tattoo is hurting anyone. I'm just expressing myself. They say that no man is ever going to want to marry me now because I'm not a virgin, and that only cheap women get tattoos. They also said no one would ever hire me, which I thought was kind of pointless anyway, since they don't think women should work anyway! They think she should find a man to provide for her, and that her job is to stay home and take care of the house and children.

I guess I just don't really like some of the things that Christianity stands for, and I have seen it do harm to people in some cases. Like I knew this guy all through elementary and high school who killed himself because he was gay, and couldn't change and thought for sure he was going to go to hell. Christians just seem so intolerant. Anyone who is different is bad. Actually we are all bad(even though I try hard to be good) which is whhy Jesus died for us. I'm starting to wonder whether God even exists. I'm not sure about that, but I do know I hate Christianity. Do you have any advice for how someone like me can survive in an environment where I'm an outcast because I don't believe the things that other Christians believe? Sorry if I don't express myself all that well. English isn't my best subject. LOL Thanks.

Marie

Answer
Hello, Marie...

Thanks for taking the time to write.  Yours is a pretty unpleasant situation, for sure.  It's hard enough for most teens to get along with their parents even without the added drama of religious divisiveness.

It's pretty clear that your parents have a very set way of viewing the world... one that is, to be polite about it, a bit tunnel-visioned.  It's understandable that you'd find this to be an incredibly difficult environment.  Anyone with a brain would. You certainly don't need me to point out the narrow-mindedness of their view; you nailed them pretty well.  

So yeah... how to survive until your 18th birthday...  How far off is that? Hopefully not very.  

I suppose if you want the least stressful waiting period, you should do everything you can to minimize friction between you and the parental units.  This might mean making some sacrifices.  For example, you may not want to talk about your boyfriend.  You may wish to wear clothing that hides your tattoo around them.  You may wish, in other words, to act unlike yourself when you're in close quarters with them.

Should you HAVE to do this?  Of course not.  Will it bother you?  Very likely.  But if you goal is to reduce your stress levels, this might be the way to go.

Do you have any non-Christian friends in your area?  Or at least, any friends who aren't overtly religious?  You might want to spend more time with them.

You might also want to look online to see if there are any atheist, agnostic, freethought or humanist groups in your area.

I'd be happy to continue email with you privately.  You can reach me at mail@vincentmwales.com.