Expert: Vincent M. Wales - 12/1/2008

Question
I am an atheist and a feminist (read: humanist, womanist, anti-colonialist, or anti-any-kind-of-oppression-ist) student at a liberal arts college, but my Christian family has hope for me yet. My mother, an elder in her church, usually asks me to say grace when I'm home, even though she's known for five years that I don't believe in god. My atheism has evolved to mean that I believe the god of the bible (Jaweh?), or any personal god that is omniscient, omnipotent, and omni-benevolent and that has some kind of will, does not exist. My question is kind of two-fold.
Firstly, although I'm wary to liken my experiences as one of the atheist minority in a "Christian nation" (so-called by most Americans) to those of an LGBTIQ oppressed in our heteronormative society, I wonder if there are some meaningful parallels, particularly with the question of "coming out" or "being out." Specifically, is being genuine about my atheism with my family and in other areas of my life worth the drama, for lack of a better word, that it might entail? I guess I'm talking costs and benefits. "Being out" as an atheist could cost me my good relationship with my family, especially with my mother. She is a good woman, and while I'm not trying to change her faith, I feel that her faith, like that of so many religious people(s) throughout history, leads her to certain hateful or intolerant inward attitudes/beliefs/behaviors. Being aware of the gratuitous suffering caused specifically by belief in god (wars, persecution, genocide, oppression/repression, etc.) to all different kinds and groups of people, I wonder to what extent my "being out" would not only encourage other atheists to live genuinely, openly, and proudly in solidarity in a society that stigmatizes and fails to protect atheism, but also promote tolerance of the other people historically and presently oppressed by religious absolutist morality. So the benefits of "being out" could be both personal and social, depending on how much my choices and actions make a difference. But, and this is where I'm unsure of the utility of my metaphor with the LGBTIQ closet, is it worth threatening my good relationships with good people who love me, for a genuine life in solidarity (if only symbolic) with other atheists and other oppressed people? When do the benefits outweigh the costs?
Secondly, one aspect of religion that I feel contributes to oppression is the proselytizing, the evangelism, the mission of "salvation." I love and believe in freedom of religion and speech, and one of my most important guiding principles is anyone's freedom to choose, to choose what they do and what they believe in. Also, as an atheist who is skeptical, questioning, open, and humble, I realize that everyone, EVERYONE, thinks they're right, and often those who think they're undoubtedly right can just as easily be wrong. So my second question is: how do I find the middle path between engaging in meaningful argument/discourse, with the goal of opening closed minds to tolerance (religious and otherwise), and forcing my beliefs on others. Above all, I want NOT to oppress, and so I feel like I must be open to the possibility that I'm wrong, and that to ignore that possibility is to be just as bad as the colonizing, civilizing, proselytizing people of oppressive religious faiths.
So it's a long and complex question, but I guess what it boils down to is this: when is it worth it, and how do I find the balance so I don't end up a hypocrite?
Thanks so much for your time, and I look forward to an answer and any correspondence.
Best wishes,
Eve

Answer
Hello, Eve...

Delighted to make your acquaintance.

Yes, there most certainly ARE parallels with being "out" as an atheist or as a non-hetero.  I've said for years that those of us who use the label "freethinker" are very much in the same camp as these folks.

I'm afraid, however, that I really can't answer your question... because the answer is one only you can provide.  Finding that middle path, maintaining that balance, is a subjective thing.  You already realize the risks of being "out."  So the question is, "How much personal discomfort are you willing to tolerate?"  

Realize, too, that there are many ways to come out about your atheism.  You would not need, for example, to simply drop that bomb on your mother.  You could begin by telling her that it upsets you to hear her badmouthing others because of their beliefs, pointing out that plenty of admirable folks have been non-believers.  (And plenty of believers who were total assholes.)  Baby steps from there to saying, "Mom, Guess What..."

Anyway... I hope you are able to find that balance.  I wish I could be of more use, but the answer to this question will be different for everyone.