Expert: Vincent M. Wales Date: 6/9/2008 Subject: Please help! I don't know what to do!
Question Hi there. I am hoping that you might be able to offer me some advice. I was raised in a Christian household, but I am an atheist. My spouse(who is currently incarcerated) has always believed in "God" but has NEVER been religious. He is more spiritual. He has never bought into the christian dogma, and never believed that the bible was the "word of god" etc
Well, lately he has been going through a very difficult time emotionally. In fact, he recently attempted suicide. He believes that "God" saved his life, by cutting him down(he tried to hang himself) and said that "he now believes in the resurrection". Yes, he believes that "God" ressurected him like he did Jesus.
Since then, he has become more fanatical and it is scaring me. Like for example, I wrote him a private letter and told him I had been fantasizing about him(sexually). Since he is in prison, that is the only form of intimacy we have right now, and we have written sexy and fliratious letters in the past. Well, he scolded me for it as though I were a naughty child and made me feel ashamed! He said it was a "sin" for two people who were unmarried to have such thoughts. Really? I thought it was natural and healthy? this is one of the big problems i have with christianity. It encourages people to set impossible standards, which traps them in this constant cycle of guilt and shame. Isn't intimacy a part of a mature, healthy adult relationship?
There was also another instance where we were talking about Presidential politics, and I liked a candidate that he didn't. And he told me that I shouldn't "defy" him because he is the man in the relationship. He wanted me to apologize for expressing my opinion! I refused to do so of course, and he said that that made "God" very unhappy. He proceeded to quote me scripture supporting the view that god expects women to submit to their husbands. We are not yet married, but engaged.
I don't know what to do. He is not acting like himself. I have always believed in equality. In fact, I was supporting Hillary Rodham Clinton for PResident, and am so excited to see more women in positions of power and influence. He has always believed that too up until he got into this religion crap. I think it is so harmful and destructive in so many ways.
Like another example. He engages in high risk behavior, and when I try to point out how dangerous it is he says that he will not be injured or killed unless it is "gods will" and that "god will protect him". Clearly that is a potentially dangerous delusion, no different than those who do not get their children medical care for the same reason.
I need some advice on what to do. Religion is coming between us. I can say that we can agree to disagree, but the problem is that he wants me to believe as he does. I would walk away, but I love him so very much. I want to try to talk some sense into him. I don't know what's gotten into him. Please help. I want to sit down and write him a letter and tell him how I feel, but I am afraid of getting reprimanded again. I don't want to anger or offend him but I am concerned.
Sincerely,
Jemma
Answer Jemma:
I can certainly understand the frustrations you're going through. And it's also not uncommon for those in prison to turn to religion to get them through the difficulties of incarceration. I definitely sympathise.
This is, however, a very complicated problem you've got, and one that is almost certainly beyond the scope of this forum. If you'd like to talk about it more in-depth, please email me at vmw@cardiganconsulting.com.
