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Atheism - raising a daughter while hiding my athiesm

Expert: Margaret Placentra Johnston - 10/31/2009

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QUESTION: For what I consider to be "moral" reasons (meaning I believe the major tenants of Christianity to be immoral)and simple common sense, I abandoned Christianity and the idea of a supreme intelligent being about 15 years ago. I was brought up in a smallish bible belt town, in a strictly fundamentalist southern baptist household. I am now 30 and have a 5 year old daughter. After much consideration (and reconsideration), I believe I have finally come to the decision that I will not now or ever, "come out of the closet" so to say, to my parents. My mother is far too intellectually and emotionally fragile to handle such a harsh truth. I simple do not think that I could get over the guilt that would accompany turning her world upside down in such a way. Though I do believe that my father would have the capacity to come to terms with my non-belief, I feel that he would be compelled to tell my mother so that they could together form a coalition of sorts in order to "bring me back to the fold". So for me, unfortunately, silence appears to be the only option I would be able to live with (however uncomfortable...). I don't go to church (except on the rare occasion)and my parents do know that I have a few "issues" with fundamentalist southern baptist views.

However, as my daughter gets older, this compromise (if you can call it that)has become more and more emotionally draining. She is now old enough to ask questions about life, death, and god (and she does). I find that I can not have honest, open discussion with her on these things for fear that my parents will learn my true stance on these things through her. I usually redirect these kinds of questions back to her(ie "I don't know, what do you think" "Yes, it is true some people do believe that...what do you believe?)and just attempt to remain very accepting/acknowledging in my responses. I am in my second year of nursing school right now, so she stays at her grandparent's house for the most part of 3 days out of the week while I am in school. Two of those days she spends the night (since I have clinicals at 6 am and they live about 30 min away). On those night my parents hold a "devotional" before bed time, just like they did with me and my brothers when we were kids. They read bible stories and sing christian songs, etc. Perhaps I am naive, but I don't necessarily see any harm in it. I am quite certain that they will find ways to shove religion down her throat one way or another. And I don't necessarily think it is bad that she will eventually learn that her grandparents and I hold contradicting views. However, I do know that the eventual pressure that will be placed on her by them to hold to Christian views can be very damaging. I am grateful that for now she is still young and takes most things with a grain of salt. She is aware that the bible stories, etc. are being presented to her as "truth" and that they are considered different than, say, stories about the easter bunny. But, she is not afraid to question them- and actually seems to get a kick out of the chaos that ensues when she contradicts some of the things that my parents are presenting to her. One time, completely out of the blue, she told my mom that she did not think that there was a god. I think all the blood drained out of my moms face in that very instant. When my mother gained her composure, she asked, "then who made the world and you and me?" My daughter answered, "I don't know." When my mother replied, "God did" she immediately responded with, "then who made god?" I don't think I could have hid the pride on my face- I couldn't believe that at 5 she had already reasoned that one out! They also emphatically insist on taking her to church with them on Sundays, and continuously give me lectures on the importance of bringing up children in church. They actually sat me down at their house a few months ago (this was a completely planned and coordinated "meeting"- kind of like an intervention-lol!)and drilled me on things like what my beliefs were, what I was teaching my daughter about god, if I prayed, etc. During the whole conversation my heart was beating out of my chest. I thought perhaps this was my chance and I should just come clean. But, I know that that will solve nothing. So, instead I offered up a few half-truths; "Sure I read bible stories to Chloe" (I also read stories with elements of other religions, and evolution- and I don't present any of it as undeniable fact.) "Yes, I believe I am saved because Jesus died for me. But, I don't believe that is the only way to heaven." (Okay, that one was a flat out lie- I don't believe there is such animal as salvation or heaven).

For now I feel that I am walking a tight rope and eventually I am going to have to close my eyes, hold my breath, and decide which side to jump off on. It is no help that I am divorced and depending on my parents for financial, child care, and (to some extent) emotional support until I can get back on my feet. I feel that I have allowed myself to become far to dependent on them (though I did not really have much of a choice)and this has a great deal of bearing on my current situation. Eventually something has to give. My hope is that eventually as I become more financially stable I will be able to move to another city or state. Though this seems like a somewhat frightening concept right now (I've never been completely on my own before- and having a young child to take care of compounds that fear)it seems to be the healthiest alternative for all. It's funny I never thought that at this point in my life I would still be struggling for independence from my family. I know I am not the only one who has gone through this deeply emotional and trying experience. I guess I am posting because any advice would be greatly appreciated.

ANSWER: This is indeed a difficult dilemma you face, and of course it is made all the more difficult by the fact that you are to some extent dependent upon your parents for their help.

I faced a similar dilemma years ago, but your situaion is more extreme. I was brought up Catholic and then dismissed those beliefs in my early twenties. Having studied enough about religion to recognize that there are some people who very desperately need religion for the comfort it brings, I decided when I had children I would bring them up Catholic - all the way to the age of 13 or so - and then I would tell my children of my beliefs and explain that it would be their responsibility to determine on their own whether and what to believe.

Well, the kids came along and.....I found I just could NOT lie to them. So for years we did nothing - did not teach them about religion. All the while the grandparents on both sides would be trying their best to convert them and we permitted this. We were in no way dependent though upon the grandparents so they just had to accept that we were NOT going to bring the kids up Christian and somehow they never made a fuss about it.

But I did worry about whether I was cheating my kids out of a religion they might grow to need - or at least out of the perfect thing to rebel against then the rebellious age came. But when our oldest was about nine, we discovered the Ethical Society, a humanist organization with a very open-minded agenda. We enrolled our kids in the Sunday School there and there were no discrepancies between what they were taught and what we wanted them to believe. And I believe the grandparents could relax a bit in the knowledge that they were at least attending SOME type of Sunday school.

As the years went by, and I think especially by virtue of the comparative religion curriculum at that Sunday school, we were able to discuss the faith versus non-faith issue honestly with our kids. Both (now in their twenties) have opted out of any form of traditional religion for this point in their lives and - my opinion? They turned out just fine!

I realize your situation is much more extreme however that mine was. My suggestions include the following possibilities, depending what you are comfortable with, knowing who your parents are and their likely reaction:

1) consider joining a non-traditional church where people hold beliefs you can live with. There are not so many Ethical Societies around so unless you live in a big city, there probably isn't one in your community. But you might look into the Unitarian Church - they tend to have people with a variety of beliefs and some atheist types who just want "community" or a way to approach a non-God based spirituality. Your joining such a group would give respectability to your attempts at religious education for your child (in your parent's eyes) while avoiding the actual issue of your own faith. And you could be pretty sure your daughter would be encouraged to study the issue on her own and make her own decisions. A major principle of the Unitarians is "the responsible search for truth and meaning."   (this is in opposition to irresponsible acceptance of the religion that was handed to you at birth without critically reflecting on the issues involved, such as is most likely the case with your parents.)

2) continue to dodge the issue a little longer until a) you are financially independent of your parents and b) your daughter reaches the age of reason - said to be age 7 - when you can discuss the dilemma with her in rational terms and then cross your fingers that she handles it well with respect to your parents.

3) as you wrote me quite a long "question" you seem to be comfortable with writing. Depending how your parents would react, you could consider writing them a really well-reasoned treatise on why you cannot accept their religion. Be sure to include a LOT of logic about how you are nonetheless an upstanding, ethical person who simply does not NEED the rules and guidance of the church to lead a good life. And reassure them that you will at some point discuss all this with your daughter and allow her to make her own decision. Meanwhile you will continue to model for her what a principled, self-regulating non-religious life looks like. And your parents are free to serve as the example for what Christian lives look like. That way both sides will be motivated to show their best side - all to your daughter's ultimate benefit!

Perhaps it would help you to know that the type of religion you have rejected- the one where people insist only their religion is right, and try to force others to follow it is not a very mature level of faith. You who have reasoned yourself out of that type of belief and most likely have taken a further step toward spiritual maturity than your parents have.   You can find out more about the spiritual development issue on my website: www.exploring-spiritual-development.com.

I hope this has helped you. Feel free to send any further questions.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for the quick reply. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with the issue. I'm really not able to discuss my situation with anyone, so hearing stories from others helps. I have considered the non-traditional church option. But, as you guessed, there are not many (or any that I know of)in the area in which I live. Besides, if I were doing this for the main purpose of appeasing my parents, well...nothing but the blood of Jesus will do! I had even considered searching for a less fundamentalist type baptist church. I was astonished to find out (not too long ago) that there are actually progressive baptist who do not take the bible literally and who do not feel that they have the right to condemn the masses to a fiery pit. Upon discovering this, I thought for a moment that perhaps if I surrounded myself with this type of congregation I could become re-brainwashed. Poof! All problems solved! Hey, it might not be intellectually honest, but at least I could be morally comfortable with it. Probably one of the most absurd thoughts that I have ever allowed myself to consider. :P It's funny that you mentioned how some people need religion for comfort. This is how I see my mother. And why I will likely always keep my personal beliefs to myself when it comes to her. I have wondered before, if she did not have religion, or had never been introduced to it, would she have been able to adapt in other ways in order to keep emotionally grounded. (She came from an abusive home- alcoholic father etc. and is still deeply scarred.)I really don't know if she would have. As insane as her religion seems to me, I do realize that it is very likely the only thing keeping her sane.

I guess I did write quite a long "question" - lol! Perhaps I have known for a while that I will most likely continue in the current course or "dodging" until both a)& b) criteria are met. More than advice, I think I needed validation. Sorting through the emotional ins and outs of this mess has been a lot more difficult that sorting out the best course of action. I did browse through your web site directly after posting my question, and I immediately felt a sort of relief when reading about the spiritual immaturity of such dogmatic and exclusive belief systems. After being brought up inside such a system and then ultimately rejecting it, it is hard to shake the feeling that there is something wrong with me or that I should be ashamed. Then when I don't feel that I can be forth coming with my daughter and when I allow my parents to attempt indoctrination, I feel like there is something wrong with me for not taking a stand. Then when I think about how I did not create this situation and I am doing my best to put my needs and emotions aside in order to assure that no one else gets hurt...I just feel angry! Then I feel guilty for being angry, because I know deep down that my parents are in a way just victims themselves. What a mess! It's actually seems pretty humorous when I write it out. But, anyway thanks for entertaining my ramblings. It has really helped me sort through some of my feelings. I found your web site quite interesting and will be sure to visit again. Good luck on your book!

Answer
Thanks for the follow-up "question" and the good recommendation.   Two further thoughts come to mind.

1) we have in our town an amazing church run by a guy who, as far as I can tell, is a very genuine example of the "Mystic" level explained on my site. I attended a service there once and was blown away by the message and the tone the of the whole congregation. Later I met with the minister to ask how it came about that he had almost a whole congregation of Mystics. He explained that there is some kind of vetting process when they are choosing a new minister and this congregation chose him because he best fit their needs. Somehow this whole congregation had "grown" to actually want a religious leader with a "Mystic" messsage - without even having the words with which to describe the concept. I found this fairly amazing. Nonetheless, he told me that there are various lines of Presbyterian churches. His church belongs to the PC(USA) line AND such churches typically run to the very liberal side. I am fairly certain that if you found such a church, you could accept a lot of the teachings (because they are very non-specific and non-judgmental) without feeling you were risking becoming "re-indoctrinated."   Anyway, if there is a PC(USA) church in your area, you may want to check it out. It could be a half-way point at which to meet your parents without you having to compromise your own values.

2) I am sorry to hear that your mother had such a troubled up-bringing. But that is probably the reason she clings so tightly to her church. I think you are probably right that her faith is holding her life together. What comes to mind for me is that somehow, despite her troubled upbringing, she must have managed to avoid passing that abusive pattern on to you and you probably have her religion to thank for that. If you have been able to discard the need for that type of religion, it can only be because your parents were somehow able to provide you with a sufficiently stable home that your basic needs were met and that is why you were able to feel safe without the comforts that type of religion provides! I dont' know if you had yet considered extending gratitude to your parents for at least that.

Anyway, best wishes to you.

PS I actually just thought of this. You said you don't have anyone with whom you can discuss these issues.   You know there are many atheist blogs and forums you could get on. One of them is even about atheist parenting: http://atheistparents.org/blog/ Outside of that, if you go on Amazon and look up almost any religious or new atheist book, at the bottom of the page they have these forums you can get on. There would be lots of people with whom you could talk anonymously about your situation.

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