Expert: Clint - 9/22/2009

Question
Hi. I am in a bit of a predicament, and I wondered if maybe you could offer some advice? I am almost certain that most atheists have found themselves in similar situations at one time or another. I have a friend whom I love dearly that recently became a "born again christian". She has always believed in "god" but was pretty open-minded and accepting. Since becoming "born again" she has become fanatical, and is convinced that EVERYONE who does not "accept Jesus Christ as their saviour" is going to go to hell. She also talks a lot about "sin" and has let it be known(on more than one occassion) that she disagrees with my beliefs and lifestyle choices(i.e. my decision to live with my boyfriend before marriage). She tells me that she loves and cares about me as a dear friend and doesn't want to see me go to hell. I love her dearly too. However, I have told her that I do not like it when she preaches at me and have asked that she at least respect the fact that I do not share her beliefs. Yet every time we see each other, she insists on preaching to me and trying to convert me. she is constantly telling me how much jesus loves me and wants me to come back to him and blah blah. She says she knows that god and jesus are "real" and implores me to look at the "evidence". What evidence? I don't know what to do! I don't want to end the friendship, but I can't help but feel that if she cared about me and my feelings she wouldn't continue to preach at me. Isn't that a sign of disrespect? I don't try to convince herthat god isn't real. Why does she feel the need to try to shove her beliefs down my throat? I don't get it. I feel that people like this must be quite insecure. What do you think? How should I handle this situation? Do I have to end our friendship? We've known each other since high school, and have been friends for years. But she has changes so much recenlty. She has become very self-righteous and judgmental. And it's like she is incable of discussing ANYTHING(even the weather!) without bringing religion and god into it. Sigh. It's beginning to get old. I also hate how she talks about gay and lesbian people(I have an openly gay sister who I love very much) and her views about women are SO outdated and sexist(she believes that our "god ordained role" is as wife and mothers, and we should "submit" to our husbands authority and all that). And I can't argue with her, because it IS in the bible and she believes the bible was "god inspired". Thanks for your time.

Julie

Answer
If you ever notice, the average religious person doesn't go around trying to convert non-believers just as your average atheist doesn't go around trying to unconvert believers. It's only the recently converted or unconverted that feel the need to get others to go along with them, especially loved ones and friends. They are looking for companionship and partners to help them in an important transistion period. They are looking for peer support.

Depending on how you want to handle it there are a few options you can take. You can either continue to take it and wait for her to calm down, which they usually do. If she's still bothersome after a year then waiting it out won't work and she's worse off than you thought.

If you don't want to wait it out then you can just have it out with her. Invite her over for a long lunch and make religion the center topic. Give her 1 hour to convince you, let her dump. Be kind, not argumentive. The purpose is not to persuade either one of you one way or another, although she will try. The purpose is just to let her get it all out and realise that nothing she'll ever say on the matter will change your mind. Then she can decide if she wants to remain friends with you. At the end let her know you don't want to hear about religion again, ever.

If all else fails and as a last resort you'll either have to have the big fight or just walk away. Maybe even try an intervention yourself. It would be very hard but she needs to see just what good comes from religion, alienating friends and loved ones who don't agree with your views. Some religion that is right? Holding some invisible fairy in higher regards than a dear friend sounds like a terrible believe system. What kind of religion turns people against people just for their thoughts?

Then again, maybe it's you who needs convincing to end the friendship or at least put it on ice. If she's so bad off, then simply let her know that you love her and will always be there if she needs you but that you don't want to be burdoned with sermons any more. Maybe that'll be just enough to make her quit.

Bottom line is that truly religious people are required by their belief to witness to others, convert them if they can, and forsake all others. It is a cult, it is mind control, don't be fooled. Their conviction to it stems from the fact that they have only one another to turn to for confirmation instead of evidence, facts, logic, and reason. Arguing with them will lead nowhere but hurt feelings and hatred. They don't have a firm real leg to stand on and they will fight tooth and nail to remain joyously delusional. I have no silver bullet and it can go good or bad, it's up to you to decide how much you can take and how far you're willing to go. Good luck.