Expert: Vincent M. Wales - 9/22/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi. I am in a bit of a predicament, and I wondered if maybe you could offer some advice? I am almost certain that most atheists have found themselves in similar situations at one time or another. I have a friend whom I love dearly that recently became a "born again christian". She has always believed in "god" but was pretty open-minded and accepting. Since becoming "born again" she has become fanatical, and is convinced that EVERYONE who does not "accept Jesus Christ as their saviour" is going to go to hell. She also talks a lot about "sin" and has let it be known(on more than one occassion) that she disagrees with my beliefs and lifestyle choices(i.e. my decision to live with my boyfriend before marriage). She tells me that she loves and cares about me as a dear friend and doesn't want to see me go to hell. I love her dearly too. However, I have told her that I do not like it when she preaches at me and have asked that she at least respect the fact that I do not share her beliefs. Yet every time we see each other, she insists on preaching to me and trying to convert me. she is constantly telling me how much jesus loves me and wants me to come back to him and blah blah. She says she knows that god and jesus are "real" and implores me to look at the "evidence". What evidence? I don't know what to do! I don't want to end the friendship, but I can't help but feel that if she cared about me and my feelings she wouldn't continue to preach at me. Isn't that a sign of disrespect? I don't try to convince herthat god isn't real. Why does she feel the need to try to shove her beliefs down my throat? I don't get it. I feel that people like this must be quite insecure. What do you think? How should I handle this situation? Do I have to end our friendship? We've known each other since high school, and have been friends for years. But she has changes so much recenlty. She has become very self-righteous and judgmental. And it's like she is incable of discussing ANYTHING(even the weather!) without bringing religion and god into it. Sigh. It's beginning to get old. I also hate how she talks about gay and lesbian people(I have an openly gay sister who I love very much) and her views about women are SO outdated and sexist(she believes that our "god ordained role" is as wife and mothers, and we should "submit" to our husbands authority and all that). And I can't argue with her, because it IS in the bible and she believes the bible was "god inspired". Thanks for your time.

Julie

ANSWER: Hi, Julie...

First, my sympathies to you regarding your situation.  It's obvious how much this is hurting you, and I'm sorry to hear it.

For the most part, I agree with you.  Your friend's behavior is disrespectful.  Naturally, she won't see it that way.  

I don't think you need to end the friendship.  Not yet, anyway.  But you may have to put it on hiatus.  There's a fair chance that this zealous enthusiasm she's exhibiting will fade.  Maybe soon, maybe not.  And if it does, you may see your old friend returning.  So, you certainly don't want to blow up any bridges.

But you may need to close the bridge for a while.  If her antics continue to drive a wedge between you (as they clearly are), you may need to explain that you're not comfortable with maintaining as close a relationship with her because of how it's making you feel.  She will probably not understand, and feel you're being intolerant.  But let her know that, should she have some clarity and come to understand that your feelings are quite justified, you'd welcome her back with open arms, once she drops the attitude.

Beyond that, I have nothing to recommend.  People in her state are not ones you can reason with.  She's caught up in the thrill of her newfound level of faith and it could be a while before that rush begins to fade.

Good luck, and feel free to contact me again if you need to.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your advice. I am really hoping that she will come to her senses, although to be honest I don't really care whether what her religious beliefs are. If that is what makes her happy, that's fine with me(although I don't understand it!). What is bothering me is her insistence on trying to force it on other people. I was raised christian, and to be honest I never found comfort or peace in it. There were a lot of things that didn't make sense to me, and to be honest I HATED all the rules and restrictions that were placed on me. I just want to be free and enjoy life. I feel that as long as I am not hurting anyone, what's the harm in it?  

It's funny that you mentioned the word "intolerant" because that is exactly what she accussed me of being. And closed minded too. Uh, huh? ME? I have tried to reason with her, but you are right. It doesn't work.

I did have one more question. I wondered if you have any thoughts on why so many people are drawn to religion? What need does it fill for them? I mean, I don't understand how anyone can take comfort in the thought of someone else having complete and total control over your life. And I don't understand why you would want to give up all of the fun things in life. For instance, she can't even listen to music(except for christian music of course) or dance. It's ridiculous! And I've done a lot of reading on the subject, and have not managed to find even a shred of evidence that jesus ever even existed. It baffles me how many people buy into this stuff. I mean, you have to suspend logic and reason in order to believe that a man can walk on water, or rise from the dead or that a virgin can get pregnant. it sounds so absurd, yet so many people believe it. It's a bit scary when you think about it! Thanks.

Julie

Answer
Yeah, entire books have been written on that very question.  Why DO so many people believe what (to us) is unbelievable?

From a psychological perspective, some people really don't feel comfortable without firmly set guides to life.  Any number of different "needs" (often not consciously realized) can be behind it.

One other thing I might suggest...  When you're together the next time, play Memory Lane.  Bring up fun times you've shared.  Who knows?  It might just put her in a reflective state of mind and she may actually be friendly, rather than overbearing.

Again... very sorry.