Expert: Austin Cline - 9/22/2009

Question
Hi. I am in a bit of a predicament, and I wondered if maybe you could offer some advice? I am almost certain that most atheists have found themselves in similar situations at one time or another. I have a friend whom I love dearly that recently became a "born again christian". She has always believed in "god" but was pretty open-minded and accepting. Since becoming "born again" she has become fanatical, and is convinced that EVERYONE who does not "accept Jesus Christ as their saviour" is going to go to hell. She also talks a lot about "sin" and has let it be known(on more than one occassion) that she disagrees with my beliefs and lifestyle choices(i.e. my decision to live with my boyfriend before marriage). She tells me that she loves and cares about me as a dear friend and doesn't want to see me go to hell. I love her dearly too. However, I have told her that I do not like it when she preaches at me and have asked that she at least respect the fact that I do not share her beliefs. Yet every time we see each other, she insists on preaching to me and trying to convert me. she is constantly telling me how much jesus loves me and wants me to come back to him and blah blah. She says she knows that god and jesus are "real" and implores me to look at the "evidence". What evidence? I don't know what to do! I don't want to end the friendship, but I can't help but feel that if she cared about me and my feelings she wouldn't continue to preach at me. Isn't that a sign of disrespect? I don't try to convince herthat god isn't real. Why does she feel the need to try to shove her beliefs down my throat? I don't get it. I feel that people like this must be quite insecure. What do you think? How should I handle this situation? Do I have to end our friendship? We've known each other since high school, and have been friends for years. But she has changes so much recenlty. She has become very self-righteous and judgmental. And it's like she is incable of discussing ANYTHING(even the weather!) without bringing religion and god into it. Sigh. It's beginning to get old. I also hate how she talks about gay and lesbian people(I have an openly gay sister who I love very much) and her views about women are SO outdated and sexist(she believes that our "god ordained role" is as wife and mothers, and we should "submit" to our husbands authority and all that). And I can't argue with her, because it IS in the bible and she believes the bible was "god inspired". Thanks for your time.

Julie

Answer
I honestly don't have a good answer to this question because I don't think that there can be a good solution to your predicament. Only your friend going back to the way she was would make everything good and that's not going to happen.

Next best scenario would be your friend showing you a bit of basic respect and consideration. If she doesn't, then distancing yourself from her is the only sane option - you don't need to subject yourself to toxic situations and a toxic relationship that is founded more on the memory of past experiences than on the reality of current experiences. You might want to offer an ultimatum: treat you with more respect or accept seeing a lot less of you. Do not issue any ultimatum that you aren't willing to follow through on, though.

You can't change your friend; you can only encourage her to change on her own. If she doesn't, then you'll need to act to make your own environment one where you and your loved ones aren't under regular attack.

I would only add that you should avoid cutting off absolutely all contact from her. She'll likely create a religious bubble around herself where her beliefs are constantly reinforced, so you may be her only link to the outside (and real) world. She may need that, but you don't need to subject yourself to abuse and disrespect to provide it.

If you want, you might want to post in my forum to see if others have other suggestions based on their personal experiences:

http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?nav=messages&webtag=ab-atheism