Expert: Vincent M. Wales - 1/7/2010

Question
Hello Vincent,
I don't know where to begin, or if you can even help me get through this roller coaster of emotions.
I was brought up as a child in a non-strict, Methodist home, where practicing our religion was luke warm and not priority. I have always doubted the existence of a God and have been questioning it since I could think for myself. My father was a quiet man but I know he didn't believe either.
I didn't attend church from the time I was 16 until I was 32 years old after having my first child. The pregnancy and birth were terrifying with the prospect of having an either deformed or dead baby due to complications with my placenta.  I find it amazing that in this time of weakness and desperation I turned to God. I made a promise to God that I would believe in him if he saved my baby.  My child was born 3 months premature, with a birth weight of 1 pound. After 97 days in the hospital, complications and lots of hard work and medical intervention, my baby did fine and is a healthy, happy teenager - with no problems.  I tried to fulfill my promise to God and had my child and my other 2 children baptized and later enrolled in Sunday school. I was literally afraid NOT TO. I was pathetic.  Years pass, and I slowly allow myself feelings and glimpses of my true former self - still sometimes the big puppet master in the sky might kill off my child(ren#. SICK!   I gradually stopped going to the church, stopped bringing my children and finally told them how I really feel. They are 17,16,13. I was not a zealot but more of a quiet observer in the church, thinking I was doing the right thing. I never REALLY believed.  Now I am ANGRY at myself for being SO WEAK at the time and falling prey to the brainwashing of my past - even though it was never really forced on me.  My biggest problem and fear now is what have I done to my kids? As you know, when we are babies/children we follow the teachings and beliefs #and brainwashing) of our parents. Children are taught religion, they are not born with it. How on earth do I explain to them after years of making them go to Sunday school, that there really is no God and that we are responsible for ourselves. Medicine, my maternal instincts and science saved my baby all those years ago. WHY did I so easily turn to GOD? How do I explain or take back everything I made them learn? They think I'm hypercritical, I confuse them - and worst of all: because they don't have ME or the hokey Methodist church anymore, they have turned to their fathers faith of strict, repressive, absurd, archaic Roman Catholic beliefs. My heart is breaking and I'm lost as what to do. What have I done to my boys?!! Why was I so weak? How could I do this? Their dad has always known and been tolerant of my "disbelief" as I have always tried to shut up about his ridiculous catholic upbringing. He does not regularly practice but he is so ingrained from childhood. He was happy when I at least had the kids join (any) church -and now that I am no longer bringing them, they are searching and looking for that sense of community that the church gave them.....they even went to MIDNIGHT MASS together (without me or my support). My husband isn't saying anything but I know he is secretly pleased with this new development. I am so angry at myself for being so weak and I'm so angry at him and them for being so weak - even though it is my own damned fault.  
How can I MAKE them atheists which is what I should have done from the start. I screwed up big time.
I am having them watch NOVA and other scientific programs about evolution and skepticism etc, but how do I undo 13 years of B.S.?
This is an obsession now and I can't let it go.
I would love to hear your thoughts. THANK YOU  

Answer
Carol:

First things first:  STOP berating yourself for your "foxhole conversion."  It serves no purpose other than to reinforce the religious view that we should feel guilty all the time!  :)

Seriously... it's okay.  Really.

Now... as to your boys.  You can't MAKE them atheists... nor should you try.  A person's belief system (or lack thereof) is 100% up to them.  No one "made" YOU an atheist.  It was your own doing.  And that's how it should be for your sons.  Yes, expose them to science.  Yes, teach them the basics of critical thinking.  Then let them decide... whenever they feel like it.

But don't force anything on them.  Naturally, they're going to be curious, so just explain to them why you started having doubts in the first place.  Explain to them that your "conversion" was always superficial.  They'll get it.

Respect them enough to allow them their own choices.

I also humbly suggest this to you:  http://onenationundergod.info  You might find it useful.

Good luck.