Expert: Vincent M. Wales - 12/9/2010

Question
QUESTION: I am an atheist. My husband is a Christian.

My husband and I are trying to have children. He is more of a deist, but still believes in the God of Abraham.

His family specifically is beginning to argue with me about how we will raise our children.

They demand our children be raised through the church.

I am against child indoctrination. His beliefs and my beliefs are not the problem. But his in-laws' beliefs are.
I am torn. I want to have children with my husband, I love him. But I do not want them raised in the church.

ANSWER: This is, sadly, a fairly common situation.

The truth is, your in-laws can demand until they turn blue, but you're under no obligation to listen to them.  The decision isn't up to them, but to you and your husband.  However, I'm inferring here that your husband is okay with raising your kids in the church.  (Otherwise, you wouldn't really have a problem.)  

My first suggestion to you would be to have a serious talk with him, to explain to him just how bothered you are by his parents' demands, and how unacceptable they are to you.  It may be, however, that he is unwilling to take your considerations into account.

If that's the case... if your husband plans to raise the kids in the church whether you like it or not... then you're faced with a few options.  

You could, of course, choose not to have kids.  But I doubt that's an option you'll like.

You could get a divorce.  I also suspect you won't like that one.

You could try a compromise.  A different church, perhaps.  (Such as Unitarian.)  But I doubt your husband or his parents would approve of that.

Another suggestion would be to play hardball with them.  Let your husband take them to church, for example, but then you have "your turn" with them.  Expose them to other views, including the naturalistic world view.  Tell them straight out that you don't believe the same things, that you consider all the God-talk to be a bunch of fairy tales.  Teach them, when they are of age to understand such things, critical thinking skills.  Let them, in other words, have both sides of the story and make up their own minds.

In the end, that might be the best approach.  Or you might come up with other ideas that you like better.

But there are my thoughts for you, for whatever they're worth.




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Could you please provide examples or links to websites on how I would teach them and expose them to nonreligious things?
I was raised strictly religious as well, and I did not find out about the real world until I moved out of my parents' house.

It's just something I would be interested in reading for the moment.

Thanks.

Answer
Well, I'd suggest that you make sure your children have a solid education in science.  Also, that they are taught critical thinking (see http://philosophy.hku.hk/think/) and about logical fallacies (see http://www.logicalfallacies.info/).  These three things will give them the intellectual tools they need to properly examine all sorts of claims, including the religious ones.

Beyond that, you can expose them to books on atheism.  There are many, many examples out there, and any good bookstore will stock them.  My friend Dan Barker has written a truly excellent book called "Losing Faith in Faith," which describes his own transition from being a fundamentalist preacher to being an atheist and founding officer of the Freedom From Religion Foundation.  It's an easy read, and a great resource.

Hope that's helpful.