Expert: Vincent M. Wales - 5/25/2010

Question
I have definitely become quite the hardcore atheist. I LOVE debating the subject with theists. I was just wondering, when you became an atheist did you find yourself getting more and more easily annoyed with people around you who followed religious practices? The large majority of my family is religious and I just feel annoyed that they believe what they believe. I know it's wrong of me but I was wondering if you have ever went through this and if you could give me some advice on how to be more accepting of their beliefs?

Also, do you always have the urge to debate the topic with theists? I just can't stand the thought of people believing something with no evidence or reason. I want to try and open their eyes I guess.

Answer
Hi, Zoe...

Well... yes.  I did go through a period like that, and it got pretty intense.

I have a suspicion that a lot of people who go from believing to not believing go through a fairly predictable cycle.  We start off as believers, then go through a questioning period, then become disbelievers.  At this point, we start to get a little annoyed with ourselves for having swallowed the fairy tale for so long.  And then we turn that annoyance toward those who still believe in it.

I think, though, that in many cases this is less a desire to "show them the light" than it is to express our negative feelings at having been "like them" before.

So we become outspoken.  We become active in online forums.  We join organizations, maybe, etc.

And then... as time goes by... we start to realize that we're spending an awful lot of energy being ticked off about something that, ultimately, is irrelevant.  

I spent more years than I care to recall doing exactly that.  And today, while I'm still a member of freethought organizations, I'm not "active."  I no longer write monthly columns for the web.  I no longer frequent the forums.  Because it was very rarely productive.  And after a time, it just became tiresome.

I'm always willing to discuss it, which is why I still volunteer here.  But I don't go out of my way looking for confrontational discussions.

As for how you can become more accepting... keep this in mind:  You do NOT have to accept their beliefs.  Nor do you have to respect their beliefs.  You DO, however, have to accept that they HAVE those beliefs and respect their right to do so.  There's a big difference.  

It is highly unlikely that you'll ever open the eyes of serious believers.  You may be able to demonstrate the failings of faith to the fence-sitters, though.  I've had some success with that.  But going head-to-head against the hardcore believers will just end up giving you a headache.