Expert: Austin Cline - 6/28/2006

Question
I am an atheist married to a man from a strong catholic family, and I am also from a catholic background.  I want my children to grow up to make their own decisions about religion but both our families are pressuring us to baptise our baby.  My husband agreed originally that we should let any children we have grow up enough to make their own choices before they have to join a religion, but now under pressure from his family he is feeling guilty.  Do you think it would be a bad idea to allow our children to grow up in the catholic faith even though I am not a believer?  And how do I justify  taking them to church when I don't believe myself?  

Answer
You are in a very, very difficult situation here. I think that it's excellent that you and your husband discussed this before marriage, or at least before having kids. That was exactly the right thing to do. I'm guessing that you two either didn't anticipate pressure from your families or didn't think of it and therefore didn't discuss it. In hindsight, that was probably a mistake and your husband ideally shouldn't be giving in to their pressure now. Of course, life isn't ideal and we have to deal with it as it is, not as we'd like it to be.

I don't have any solid answers for you, but I will offer some ideas. I hope that they help.

1. In the long run, whatever you do will have to involve compromise - but primarily between your husband and yourself. You two are responsible for raising your child, not your in-laws. If boundaries aren't made clear now, they will be forever interfering and making your lives difficult.

2. You don't say if your husband is atheist or theist, Catholic, or what. That matters because it will affect what sort of compromise you two reach. If he's still Catholic in any way, even just mildly, you should be more willing to allow for baptism, church attendance, etc.

3. Regardless of what religious "things" your kids get involved with, you will have to take active steps to provide balance in their lives.

4. By all means, let them attend Catholic church occasionally with their in-laws - but then also take them to religious services at Jewish temples, Protestant churches, Muslim mosques, Hindu ashrams, etc. Make sure that they know that all these people not only hold widely divergent beliefs, but also hold them with equal sincerity. The underlying message, "sincerity is no evidence of truth," will get through without you having to express it too openly.

5. By all means, let them have a Children's Bible and read to them from it. Right next to this Bible, on the same bookshelf, make sure they have children's versions of stories from Roman, Greek, Norse, African, and other world mythologies. Read to them from these books on an equal basis. The underlying message, "everyone has their own myths and stories," will get through. Make sure that they know that people have believed and/or do believe these other myths just as firmly as some believe the stories in the Bible. You don't have to say "this isn't history," just let them work it out themselves.

6. Encourage questioning, especially about nature. When they have a question you can't answer, get to an encyclopedia and research it together. Make sure they get the message that it's OK to not know an answer and that finding the answer is a matter of research, not scripture and faith. Communicate and encourage an appreciate for science, too.

7. Did I mention that strong boundaries must be set for your in-laws? This is important no matter what the issue. Your husband and you will have to sit down and work this out between the two of you first, then he has to go to his family to explain the situation. You two have to present a united front, but he has to be the one to explain things to them and he has to be strong enough to not wilt under pressure. I can't emphasize that point enough: if he doesn't stand strong then you two won't create a united front and the two of you won't be the ones raising your children.

8. And what about the baptism? If he's Catholic, then giving in on that might be reasonable - but I would recommend against allowing that to lead to giving in all manner of other things, like indoctrination that leads to a confirmation. If your kids are to make their own decisions, this means that such rituals must wait until they are old enough to make informed choices on their own. A main argument against baptism is that it might be the camel's nose under the tent, leading to the whole camel coming in. If you compromise and accept it occurring, it must be a compromise *with your husband*, not with his family. Your husband must in turn keep up his end, which would probably be to hold a firm line with his family about going much farther.

9. So of course, this raises the question of whether your husband really wants it. If not, then you two shouldn't do it. The only reason that it should even be contemplated is for the sake of the parents, not the extended family. You are responsible for your children's upbringing, not them. You are responsible for whatever they are to learn about religion, not them.

I have articles giving advice relevant to your situation here:

http://atheism.about.com/od/atheistschildren/
http://atheism.about.com/od/atheismreligionceremonies/
http://atheism.about.com/od/atheistsandmarriage/

If anything above is unclear or leads to further questions, I urge you to write to me again. I also hope that you'll write again in the future to help keep me up-to-date on how things are going. Eitiher way, I hope this works out for you...