Expert: Sharon Crandall - 1/10/2008

Question
About 8 months ago I started working with my ADD . This has been the roughest phase of my life. When I was younger I always had a hard time staying focused in school. But I had a short time about 7th to 8th grade were i exceled and really didnt work that hard to achieve it.

But along the way my father and my mother didnt have that great of a marriage. Well there always seemed like there was a divided line between my brother and my sister like there was reason they desereved more than i did, They both laid around the house got to be on the go whenever they wanted to . I was more of the "hands on" type.Those types of things i often enjoyed doing.My father was a carpenter & kinda saw the divided line.My mother would allow my brother and sister to gang up on me and my dad let me handle myself. They could physically strike at me but i couldnt lift a hand. basically i got stuck with mowing the yard & doing all the chores around the house.While they had the social life they couldnt live without. Well then one day she gets me out of class n high school. She takes me out to the car we get in the car and tells me " i cant live the life that i have been living and your sister and I are moving.(brother was at college) I'll let you know where Im living when I get settled in " I was in so much shock of a suprise that I didnt know what to say or what to do. I just got out and walked back into school with my head hanging in shame of my mother. Well i as i thought about it through out the day. She worked in a office that managed doctors practicces and there was a doctor down the hall in the same building that she was always talking about.Well when i got out of class thought id make investigation trip to see if she moved intO a certain area.it wasnt hard find. well i didnt go knockin on the door. I just let it ride. well my father had quite the temper and i was kinda stayin clear of the house & was gonna go home when my aunt & uncle could go with me later that night. just to be safe. Well my father just took off like its party time.Quit working then started the whole party life and i was just kinda left hanging. my aunt n uncle kinda took me in along with my GrandParents.Then there was bad talking from both directions. Alot of times I would sleep in my truck. Kinda stayed away from everyone cuz i just got upset. There was not really any way to get in contact, car phones were quite expensive then. I had a couple good friends & We went and sat across the street in the parking lot across from her apartment, just to figure out what was going on.we followed her and she went to the doctors office down from where she worked & parked in his private garage. So i kinda figured out what was going on. I aproched her about it and she denied having any involvement.(he was still married @ that time ). he was a very wealthy guy. but money doesnt fix everyting.
well I was at her parents and she showed up there for the first time in 7 years W/all her dimonds and crap shes never had, they called her down lookin at what i was going through down here. They saw the depression setting in. She said "I cant trust him in my house right now he might mess up a good chance for me. And shes 40 years old and she will do what ever she wants to do". That just about pushed me over the edge. I didnt really understand how "sick" my mothers mind was until that point.I went up periodically and she was always giving my brother and sister all the material stuff they wanted, I just said "I hope you are happy" & just got in the truck and drove back to the small town i grew up in. Didnt know where most of the time ,friends houses where ever it was fun or just quiet. Well then i was in a work program my last year of high school and i moved into a nice little 1 br apt. Just a neutral place that i could go home to everynight. Was extremely tight budget for me. but i did OK. My mom found out & she pushed the my sister in the door so she didnt have to drive her to school everyday that lasted about a month and my sister was runnin crazy and " i called my mother n told her i was bringin her back she wont listen to me. She wanted to pay my rent n i wouldnt take it. as time goes on i become a carpenter and end up moving. closer to where i work, well i got up here got alot of friends & i got a good deal. I just started  a company and i did pretty well this last year. but I did 1 project this year for them at there home for a very substantal amount of money and they decided they arent gonna pay there bill "every son would do that for his mother  since im here son" like my sibblings houses to im expected to work for free, I dont understand it . Its started to get better but if im happy they come over to the house, try to throw me off track.Its startin to hit me finnancially. how can i curb this crazy behavior??

Answer
Dear Jon,

I don't know what your belief in God is, but once in awhile a really good person is put in a family with people who are not so good and they do all they can to take advantage of the good person.  

I think it might be that God chose you to be in this family so you could be strong and know just how much you can do on your own without your family.

Unfortunately, your family are users and takers. They are not loving and giving like we are supposed to be and I can tell that you are a good person.

I believe with all my heart that you do not owe these people anything.  They did not help you and if they loved you they would not take advantage of you.

I hope that you can be strong and tell them that you do not wish to see them any more and that you will not help them with one dime.  I recommend that you get established financially, save your money and buy a house and then get married and start a family of your own and have your family be the way that families should be.

Even though they are family, you are not obligated to help them when they just use you.  It makes people weak to help them when they are just users.  The more loving thing to do is to leave them alone and let them learn how to handle their own lives.

I hope that you get the book, "Bad Childhood, Good Life" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger and it will encourage you a lot.  You have started a new life and the best thing you can do is to live a good life and leave these people alone.  Do not let them make you feel guilty. You do not owe them anything.  

Your family has been shameful in the way they have and are treating you.  You can love and forgive them, but that doesn't mean that you have to be with them or let them shamefully use you any more.

I do hope this helps and I hope you write back and also contact me on www.myspace.com/personalityconsultant to let me know how you are doing.  I am very interested in how you are doing.

Sharon Crandall
Life is 4 Living Coach/Consultant
www.myspace.com/personalityconsultant