Expert: Christine D. DeLoatch, MA CCC-SLP - 11/14/2008

Question
hi please help?
when my son was 4,5 years old i thought it was normal and everything everyone was telling was not true that he would just grow out of it. he's 7 now and still everything is just a game to him, all he wants to do is play day and night.
he is in grade 2 he was a late talker, he has trouble pronouncing a lot of words, he cant read or spell he can wright very little and spend's most of the day at school playing because he cant do the work the other kids are doing. i try and do his homework everyday but i have to bribe him with candy or something like that just to get him to a little bit of it.he has a hard time making friends. i had a few meetings with his teachers and they said that he might have adhd.
at home he never listens to me and his mother no matter how many times we ask him to do something we have to yell at him to get him to do anything.we have taken everything away from him at one point or another (TV toys ect..) we tried the counting to 3 thing, sitting him in a corner everything we can think of but it seems like he just does not care,he tells us that he hate's us and it breaks my heart to hear it,from my 7 year old son.
it's sad to say but he is driving us crazy we don't know what else to do. nothing works.

can you please tell me if this sounds like a case of adhd or are we doing something wrong?

Answer
Dear James,

Thanks for asking me your question.  You have not done things 'wrong.'  You son needs a different type of parent than the one other children need.  

He does not appear to learn by consequences and he also does not seem to be bothered when consequences are enforced.   

I would strongly suggest that he have an evaluation by a child psychologist done as soon as possible.  If insurance will cover the cost, I suggest that you have it done outside of school as it my be quicker.  

The child psychologist needs to rule out Attention Deficit Disorder; Autism Spectrum Disorders and Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  

He or She will look at you your son's reaction to being told no or when toys are removed.  They will look at his overall social skills.  They can also administer academic testing to see how far below his peers he is functioning in the areas of math, reading and writing; That will determine if he needs more help at school. They will also make some recommendations and medication may be one of them.

Some children don't understand social rules - and need to be taught them differently.  Some children, know and understand the rules - but don't really care about the consequence.  Then there are other kids that know the rule - but they are just too busy playing to notice that they are breaking a rule and they will be punished.  

That is why all 3 areas need to be address in your son.  The sooner he gets help - the better it will be.  He is not learning when he is playing.  He needs you to help him learn to be a good citizen.  Early intervention is always best.  If you don't know a good Child psychologist, you can ask you son's doctor.  

Feel free to look up the conditions that I mentioned - above - but don't decide in advance that it will be bad.  Labels just tell teachers and other service provides which tools work best for which kids.  All kids can learn.  All kids can behave.  

As your son goes through this process, feel free to e-mail me again and ask questions.  

Many Blessings to you for being such a pro-active father.  

Christine