Expert: Christine D. DeLoatch, MA CCC-SLP - 11/10/2008

Question
Dear Christine

I am pretty sure I have ADD. Many in my family have been diagnosed with it. Professionally I manage it well,using to do lists to give myself structure, and am a top performer able to inspire and innovate.

What worries me is the following: when my intimate partner is a jerk--esp angry, critical, sullen, unreasonable--it affects me too much. I feel I dont have the walls I need to keep it outside myself. I can take a bit of it, but at some point it goes over a threshhold, and then my mood shifts to instant misery. Sometimes now there is an angry response just before the depression, but the depression always comes. I spend the next 24 hours in an awful grey or black place, moping, thinking about divorce, thinking about suicide, having no energy for anything. After about 24 hours, especially if I manage to get outdoors and/or interact with a positive third party or even go to the office and think about other things, I can get out of it.

It could be that I should just get out of this marriage. (Been married 15 years, last 9 have been like this, ever since we had our second child and it was too much for him. He has serious anger management issues, though has improved a lot in past two years). But with young kids, I am still trying to see other solutions. I have had one other relationship during this period and also noticed a tendency towards this over-reactivity and plummet to depression in response to criticism.  In the first 30 years of my life, I never had these problems at all, and my relationships were pretty peaceful.

So my questions:
1. Is it usual that these instant mood swings triggered by intimate partner's unpleasant behaviour increase as one gets older?
2. Would I have less mood swings with another man? Are there really kind and gentle men out there?
3. What can one do about these mood swings?
4. You mentioned medications that help you with your mood swings in your marriage. I would be interested in finding out more please. I dont think I am depressed per se, as mostly I am fine. It is just when he is a jerk that I am so instantly negatively affected.

thanks for your help

Jasmine  

Answer
Dear Jasmine,

Thanks so much for asking me your questions.  I really can relate to what you are going through.  My husband has been talking about divorce and I also get depressed after any altercation.  (We have our first appointment with a marriage counselor today). I, too, seem to improve with the support of friends and distractions.  

1)  I do not believe it is unusual to have mood swings triggered by any negative event.  We are hyper-sensitive by nature.  We also tend to be very hard on ourselves and therefore we can be overly critical of what we did or said or simply be upset because we are not perfect.  We judge ourselves so harshly.  

2) I believe that the mood swings related to negative reactions would be lessened if you had a more supportive spouse.  Whether that is a new spouse or this spouse that becomes more educated and compassionate depends upon his willingness to understand the woman he married.  I would suggest that you check out a book called ADD and Romance.  Marriage with an ADDer is not easy - but it can be wonderful.  You will have to decided based upon your faith, your emotional wellbeing, and your children's emotional well being, what is right for you at this time.  Try to remember that your children learn from parents by watching us as models.  

3 & 4)  How to help those mood swings?  You can exercise more.  

You can look into SSRIs or other types of anti-depressants (Zoloft, Celexa, Prozac, Paxil, Lexapro, Effexor, Welburtin, etc).  You could to discuss which might be better for your symptoms with your doctor.  

You can also see if there is a pattern to your mood swings.  For me, when I am more hormonal, I am more likely to get stuck in the negative emotions.  You may need to plan for more journaling or friend support during those days.  

I would also recommend counseling for yourself, so you can  develop more coping strategies,  and couple counseling if your husband would go.  

God Bless you.  I know it is hard.  

Let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.

Christine