Expert: Sharon Crandall - 12/19/2008

Question
First of all, thank you for taking the time to look over and discuss my problem. I have an 11 y/o son (I usually leave off the step because he's been with me since within days of his 3rd b'day) that was diagnosed with ADHD and a few years later with bi-polar and mild seizures. He has a really bad temper that's progressively getting worse. It's still mostly fits and screaming and running off to another room. My question may be outside of what you answer but it would help to know for sure if it's directly related to his ADHD. He does this mostly with me. If I ask or tell him to do something whether it's something he will like or not, he usually assumes the worst and storms off to his room screaming and crying not giving me a chance to finish. I could be giving him a PS3 and he wouldn't be in the room long enough to get it. Like tonight; this is where the ADHD floors me (I have the same diagnosis) I got his attention, he looked at me and I asked him to turn his laundry right side out for the wash, a couple of seconds after he just looked back at the TV. Two sets of commercials passed and I got his attention then told him he needed to do it. Like before, he just looked back at the TV. Several minutes later, I turned the TV off so I could have his attention and he jumped up complaining and I stopped him. I started to tell him that I asked, then told, then turned off the TV just long enough to get his attention. I didn't finish 'told' before he was screaming at me and running to his room where he screamed at me for several minutes for turning off his TV. The other day it was me telling him he needed to finish getting dressed for school (already 30 min. late; late is every day with him) while he was literally screaming at me to shut up; something that used to not happen. The fits happen most of the time when I tell him to do something, get on to him for anything, take something away from him, make him do his homework early or put a limit on his game or TV time on a school night. It's probably a bad word but he, like his sister, are flat spoiled. If they don't want to do what they're told, they don't do it; if they want to do something they've been told not to do, they don't care, they do it anyway; and if they want to do something, they don't care if they're supposed to ask for/about, they just tell us what they ARE going to do. They don't ask for nothing. I try to punish them by grounding the from TV, games or to their room; doesn't work. Within a few minutes he's out of his room, walking around or sitting in front of the livingroom TV because I unplugged his. Games? I will catch him playing it no less than 2 times before bed. I try to give him a chance to keep it off without having to take it out so I can give it back to him earlier, but it's like he just doesn't care. He doesn't care about what I say or ask/tell him what to do, or the consequences of anything he does, no matter how wrong he knows it is. Some of the other things he does range from deviant to just plain not understandable. There are several other things that I would really like to understand but I won't burden you with those. I do think they fall in the same line though. I try to explain them to his doctor but she just want's to slap him on some new meds and not make any effort to make sure I understand why he's taking it. I just keep my mouth shut in hopes that I can find a real doctor without having to go over 120 mi. one way. I'm sorry for running on but I just tend to get carried away sometimes.

Again, thanks for your time,
Steven

Answer
Dear Steven,

It sounds like you have intelligent children who know how to get away with doing what they want to do when they want to do it.  Without being there to help you I think this is too serious for me to handle by mail.  The fact that they wait when you tell them to have their fit.  Now, I may be wrong but I think that as parents you really need to take some parenting classes to establish who is parent and who is child.

I can tell you what I would do but you would have to be very strong to do this and that, I think, is the problem.

I would take every toy, game, tv, etc. away and put them in storage.  Leave only books to read.  I would tell them both that you are obligated to feed them, clothe them and get them to school and everything else they have in life and has to be earned.  I would outline chores for them to do every day and if they do their chores cheerfully and do their homework cheerfully without having a fit they will get one toy or game back and will be able to play for a certain amount of time each day.

Now, intelligent children need some big projects.  He needs to be able to build a dog house, or build a car or some other big project that takes a real challenge and I would let him work on something like while the toys and games are removed.

They could also help cook and do big things or start a little business where he could earn some money.  Perhaps you could start on a project and casually ask him if he would like to help you.  You could also offer to play a board game with him. My daughter, husband and children play board or card games every Sunday evening.  It is very important to have positive fun times together.  I would not pressure them to do this but if they do not want to do it, do it with who will join.  Start with you and wife and really laugh and have a good time so that it will be attractive.  Fun times should never be where you chastise your children but just have fun, like you were playing games with your friends.  

Sometimes you can appeal to a child's natural emotion of love.  Tell him that you feel very badly and feel like you are failing as a parent and are not doing a very good job because when you ask him to do something he has a temper tantrum.  Ask him what he thinks you should do.  

Never use terms to put down your children like you are bad, stupid, horrible, no good, or any put down terms.  Always appeal to the higher side of your children.  Tell them you know they are good children but need to help co-operate and help create a good family.  Have a family meeting and ask your children how they think they could help make the family into a good family.  Tell them that the way it is now it just isn't working.  Do not blame them just tell them that you all need to talk about how to make your family better.  Then at some point ask your son what he would do if he were the father and had a son who had a tantrum whenever he didn't want to do something.

Appeal to his intelligence and emotion.  When children are involved in big projects they get a feeling of fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment. This builds self-confidence.          

These are just a few tips.  There are methods of parenting that claim to help even the most difficult children so I would look online to see what is available.   

I wish I could be more help but I would need to see your interaction in order to help you more.  I do hope you find the help you need.  

Sharon Crandall
Life is 4 Living Coach/Consultant