Expert: Sharon Crandall - 4/8/2008

Question
QUESTION: HER HAIR IS FINE, MORE OF A TOMBOY, BUT HAS MANY GIRLIE LIKE QUALITIES,IS THICK SKINNED (LITERALLY), AND SOMETIMES IS WARM TO THE TOUCH. PLEASE HELP, MY WIFE AND I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING.

ANSWER: Dear John,

Hello.  Could you please explain what you mean by meltdowns and what is her behavior?  How old is she and what behavior are you concerned about?  Is it learning problems or behavior problems or both?  Please give me more informationg so I can help you.

Thanks,

Sharon Crandall
Consultant

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Sorry about that.  My daughter is 2 years 4 months old. the day will start out calm, and out of no where her mood will come increasing explosive. Never to the point of physically hitting, but emotionally crazed.  she had an episode last night that caused her to vomit because of her uncontrollable crying. She is extremely gifted in learning for a 2yr old. So it seems like a behavior problem.  She is also very head strong and independentand needs to control situations. Please give some insight as to how to solve this problem.  Thank you.

Answer
Dear John,

I am so glad you wrote to me as there are some things that are very important for you to know.

First of all, the frontal lobes of a child's brain does not fully develop until around age 25, and the earliest at age 21 or so.  This means that a child behaves from instinct not conscious choice.  In other words he or she behaves however he is programmed genetically so there is not a right or wrong behavior.

A child has built in instincts to become independent and a two year old rarely does anything anyone tells him to do.  So, your daughter is acting very normally when she seems to be ok and then explodes.  That is because the part of the brain that lashes out is very powerful and more so in some children than others.

They can't verbally express and so they act out, usually through tantrums, yelling and screaming and there is no way to know what is wrong because they cannot put it into words.

This is very frustrating but does not necessarily indicate anything is wrong with the child, it is just that there are strong feelings that must be expressed and acting out is the only way she has of expressing that.  

Many parents think that their two year old is defying them but they are not capable of defying you.  It looks like it because they will look right at you and at the thing that you tell them not to touch, for example, and then go right ahead and pick it up because that is how they are programmed.  They push, touch, feel, hit, jump, or whatever else they feel and are not thinking about their behavior at all.  They can't.

When she has a tantrum the more you react and get upset the more "reward" she gets out of it.  If you stay calm and either ignore it and walk away or sit down by her and put on some soft music and start doing things such as stacking blocks or some other activity that might draw her attention and then just wait until she
calms down.

Some children will hold their breathe and even pass out, in order to get their way but if she is doing something that is truly destructive to her or someone else, then sometimes you have to hold her and not say a word no matter how she screams.  Pay as little attention to her as possible, but hold her until she goes limp.  

You see, it is a child's job to push the envelope and it your job as a parent to provide as much freedom as possible but have boundaries of safety, health and well-being as possible.

Since I do not know how you handle her I cannot help you as much as if I could talk to you but there are a couple of things that are very important. One is that a child feels very powerless and so it is important that you empower them as much as possible.  You do that by giving them a choice between two good things.  For example: Do you want to have peas or carrots for your vegetable tonight?  Or, do you want to wear this shirt or that one?  This makes them feel like they have power.  Praise her when she helps you and when you want her to do something ask or tell her specifically what you want, then when she surely will not do it, go get her and gently tell her that it is now time to whatever you told her to do.

Another thing is to be very specific about what you say to her.  When you say things like, be good or you are being mean today, or things like that--that means nothing to a child.  They need to hear specifics as:  stop yelling, do not hit her again, etc.  Then, remove her from the situation and do not expect her to follow your commands.  You can say something like: this is not fun any more so it is time to do something else.

Now, it is common for little ones who are bright to really push the envelope and I think that is what you have here.  So, you have to be on your toes and be very active in following through.  It is also common for a child to run, run, run and then get way over tired at this age and then go into am emotional "meltdown", as you describe it.

So, be alert and watch for the first signs she is going out of control and hold her while listening to some soft music.  If you are listening to loud music that could fire her up, too.  Watch her reactions.  Yes, dance with her and jump and play games so that she gets exercise, and then get out the quiet books and music to calm her down so that she doesn't get over tired.  Make her feel important by helping you.  If you are preparing food then give her a bowl and spoons so she can "help".  Things like that to make her feel important.  If she is thick skinned then she needs to be outdoors quite a bit and so going for walks is good.  

Well, I am guessing to the best of my ability so I can help you.  Feel free to respond again with more information.  Now, if these things do not work I know of a fantastic nutritional product that really helps.  It is called neu beCalm'd.  They sell it at Neurogenesis and if you want to get some go to Life & Mind, www.neurogenesis-inc.58357 where you can look at it and purchase it.  They have the chewable kind and it helps kids that seem to be over-active.  It is nutrition for the brain.  

So, bless you and let me know how it is going.  You can contact me at personalityconsultant1@yahoo.com

Sharon Crandall