Expert: Dr Billy Levin - 4/25/2008

Question
Dr. Levin, I am confident that my ex-husband has ADD and that it's untreated manifestation in his day-to-day behvior led to our divorce. After all my reading about ADD, I am usually very good at getting out of the way when he is looking for a heated argument to stimulate his brain. It's remarkable how well simply being silent in the face of his accusations and insults seems to confuse him entirely. However, he does this thing where he will get so agitated and cross and yell on and on without even my participation in the argument. For example:
Him: You are keeping me from my daughter.
Me: silent
Him: Oh, I know what you're thinking! You're thinking that I am a rotten person and that I don't know what I'm doing. You are just so happy that I've screwed up the schedule, aren't you? This is just the kind of thing that you want me to do.
Me: silent
Him: Well, you know what? I don't care that you think I'm s a screwup. You can wipe that look off your face. I know what you are really thinking. Don't patronize me!

Seriously, Dr Levin, he can have entire argument (both sides!!) without me. He carried on once for almost 20 minutes on his own and finally I just burst out laughing. It was entirely too comical. Anyway, the problem is that later the comments he thinks I've made, but have not, become reality in his mind and he holds them against me in future angry outbursts. It's like he's creating his own world, completely separate from reality. I do not want to engage him by defending myself against these imagined wrongs, but on the other hand he's building up this whole imaginary acrimonious relationship in his head. We have a child, that is the only reason I have to tolerate this.

What's the best course of action during one of those outbursts?

Answer
There is no course of action to  be taken until he has a neurological examination by a doctor who is competent to diagnose ADHD or whatever other problem he might have. If, in deed, he does have ADHD, and placed on correct medication he could turn out to be a lot different. Dysrationale is one of the aspects of untreated ADHD and does not respond to logical discussions. In fact if he was on treatment there might not have been a divorce in the first place. How does one reason with somebody who is unreasonable?