Expert: Christine D. DeLoatch, MA CCC-SLP - 7/8/2008

Question
We adopted our son when he was 18 months old. Born premature to alcohol and cocaine addiction. For his entire life, up to age 15, he went to a private school with no emotional problems. Then he was removed from the private school due to anger issues where we took him to counseling and learned that he had ADD. We then enrolled him in a private school for children with ADD and ADHD and continued counseling for him where he was better, but the counselors said that he had something hidden inside of him causing him great anger. At age 17, today, we have learned that he is angry - in a rage - over the fact that his father abandon him at birth. He will not talk to us, or the counselors about. He told his girlfriend in detail about his rage over his father. Do you have any suggestions as to what we should do about his rage. He runs away from home sometimes and looses his temper sometimes. But he will NOT talk to us or his counselors about his anger. Please help.

Answer
Dear David,

Thanks for asking me your question.  It is not unusual for children who are born cocaine addicted to have ADHD.  

I have 3 suggestions.  If he will continue the counseling - let him.  

If there is a place where youth can go in your town when they run away - find it and let him know about it - it is better that adults who are used to dealing with teens can supervise him than for him to be anywhere or on the streets.  I say this because I knew a girl that was cutting herself and just knowing that such a place existed if she felt she needed to get away made her feel better about staying where she was.

If you can, I would suggest that you actively look for someone who has been through a similar situation.  Perhaps someone at church or a family friend.  Not someone that will push - but someone that will wait it out patiently.  Someone to mentor a little-bit or just to encourage and be there to listen or hang out. No parental stress.  I might be very hard for him.  He may not want to feel ungrateful to you - but still angry at the same time.  

If you have not seen the movie Reign Over Me, I suggest you and your spouse rent it.  It is very good and it deals with this same type of issue -- someone who does not want to deal with loss and anger.  At some point you may even suggest that he watch it.  

Also I suggest that you see if you can determine any pattern to his anger and aggression.  Is he running away when you ask him to do Father-son things?  You may glean some insight into the problem.  

Don't hesitate to seek counseling for yourselves as a couple.  It is very difficult dealing with a family member with just plain old vanilla ADD, let alone a child with additional anger issues.  

Also encourage your son to find outlets like music or writing or art.  He doesn't have to lash out to express his hurt and anger.  

I know that there are more than 3 suggestions here, but all of them came to mind so I thought I would share them all.  

Remember to take care of you. If you are over-tired and don't manage your stress well you will not be able to be a good model for your son, and you also won't have the energy to deal with the hard stuff.  Many blessings to you for your choice in adoption and in your loving choice to help in times of crisis.  

I apologize for the delay in this response.  

Many blessings to you and your family.  If I can be of anymore assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me.  

Christine